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"Breaking Bad" As Told By Someone Who’s Never Seen It

“Breaking Bad” is coming to an end, this is what has happened so far (….I think).

Lights up on sunny Arizona. Walter White is pants-less and carrying a gun because this is the man who played Hal on “Malcolm in the Middle” so this really shouldn’t surprise anyone. Flashback: Walt has pants on.

Mr. White is a sad high school chemistry teacher who finds out he has cancer—this makes him sadder. Because he’s going to die anyway, Walt decides to make some meth. But the man can’t do it alone. He remembers a local hooligan and tracks him down. It’s the beginning of a beautiful meth-ship. Walt and Jesse forever.

Walt and Jesse are now a team and they start cooking meth in an RV so that they can’t be tracked too easily. Jesse likes to say “bitch.” Sometimes they get hungry and head over to Los Pollos Hermanos for some chicken snacks and to hang out with the owner, Gus.

Gus suffered an unfortunate fryer accident and now has half his face missing—which doesn’t seem conducive to chicken selling. Walt and Jesse decide to use a portion of the meth profit to buy Gus a new face. Gus’s face missing is related to a teddy bear…somehow.

Walt and Jesse start a bang-up business and are selling meth left and right. They travel, cook, and laugh all around Arizona. Soon they realize that they can expand their business into Mexico, so they try it out.

When in Mexico, they cross paths with El Tortuga, a Mexican meth lord who gets angry over some gringos tearing up his turf. Walt cuts off his head and staples it to a turtle so the rest of Mexico knows that this chemistry teacher’s in the empire business now.

Because Walt’s badass now, he shaves his head. But because it’s Arizona, the sun will burn your scalp in two seconds flat—Walt gets a hat.

Struggling with his new look and the fact that he cut someone’s head off and stapled it to a turtle, Walt calls Saul—the Dear Amy of the meth world. Saul gives Walt some solid advice and they start a loving relationship.

In the meantime, Walt’s family is left behind bitching about breakfast.

At some point Jesse gets pissed at Walt and gets some neo-Nazis to back him up. Walt’s pretty distraught about it.

Also there’s some stuff involving the law because Walt’s wife, Styles, has a brother in the FBI. Unfortunate for Walt.

So now we’re ready for the fenila. Will Walt kill Jesse? Will the neo-nazis kill everyone? Will Walt wear pants?

I certainly don’t know, bitch.

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