1. "Heard you opening a wine bottle, yet I don't see any friends around. Interesting."
2. "I'm giving you the silent treatment because you've been playing QuizUp for a solid half-hour. That's half an hour too long."
3. "Well, if you're sleeping at 9 p.m. on a Friday night, then I guess I will too since there's nothing else to do."
4. "Checking Instagram one more time instead of cleaning the house? Yeah, OK."
5. "Are you wearing perfume, or did you happen to shower today?"
6. "Noticed you haven't made your bed in a while. What would your mother say about you?"
7. "Maybe I can clean this disgusting coffee table for you from the other side."
8. "It's not like you were using this yoga mat for any real exercise."
9. "I can't believe you texted them, like, four times in a row."
10. "You know you won't be 'Forever 21' forever, right?"
11. "This is pretty much your fifth straight hour of Hulu this weekend. Take a break!"
12. "I'll give you more space to lie down if you buy vegetables for yourself at the grocery store soon."
13. "It's 3 a.m.! You won't miss anything important on Tumblr if you go to sleep, I promise!"
14. "You've been on the phone with your mom for an hour, my goodness, give her a break."
15. "Took this empty-hamper opportunity to show you that all of your clothes must be on the floor. Do your laundry."
16. "Can't believe the filth you're watching on MTV."
17. "Saw you ordered from Seamless...again."
18. "Sooooo, did I just find your super-secret catnip stash, or...?"
Author's note: Yes, this is my cat.