Food

Nut Milks: A Ranking

It’s time we got real with ourselves about nut milks.

For the uninitiated, nut milk is made by soaking nuts in water, blending the nuts with the water, then straining out the liquid. That liquid’s flavor and caliber is ranked below.

10. Pistachio Milk

Y’all, who are pistachios trying to kid here? GREEN milk? I don’t think so, Dr. Seuss. Pistachios should stay where they belong (aka maybe just in ice cream or in commercials with random celebs).

Level of Nutitude: Installing a webcam in your apartment so you can watch your cat all day at work.

9. Brazil Nut Milk

Like, we get it, Brazil nuts. You’re included in trail mixes. But just because you’re included DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE BELOVED OR NECESSARY.

Level of Nutitude: Color-coding your refrigerator door’s contents.

8. Peanut Milk

While peanut butter is arguably the most popular of the nut butters, it definitely falls short in the nut milks category. Better served as a snack or with jelly, tbh.

Level of Nutitude: Stubbornly wearing shorts and sandals when it’s not quite weather-appropriate yet.

7. Macadamia Nut Milk

With a nice Macadamia nut, you can start to feel a little fancier. You might even drink it with your pinkies out. Is it a classic staple? Not at ALL, don’t kid yourself. But it’s at least on its way.

Level of Nutitude: Signing up for a craft workshop by yourself.

6. Walnut Milk

Sure, walnuts are a generally accepted nut, as far as nuts go. They make a fine topping on your ice creams and fro-yos, so it’d make sense they’d make a perfectly passable nut milk as well.

Level of Nutitude: Using a cell phone holster.

5. Pecan Milk

Now we’re talkin’. Anything that makes a fine pie means it’s good enough to be made into milk. Imagine the fun with spices and flavors you can have with pecan milk! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

Level of Nutitude: Putting M&Ms in your popcorn.

4. Hazelnut Milk

When you think of hazelnuts, you think of Nutella. And, like, GOOD. It takes a special kind of nut to become a delicious spread of such high-caliber, therefore it should make a truly delightful nut milk.

Level of Nutitude: Putting Nutella on oatmeal and still calling it “breakfast.”

3. Cashew Milk

Cashews are, surprisingly, a pretty useful nut. It stands to reason that they’d help you out and turn into a nut milk all easy peasy! Everyone likes a versatile nut, and the cashew is exactly that.

Level of Nutitude: Watching one thing on your TV and another thing on your computer at the same time.

2. Coconut Milk

Thinkstock / thinkstockphotos.com|kevinkraft

(Quick note: A coconut is a fruit, nut AND seed all in one item of produce. So.)

Basically, coconut milk is a princess in a sea full of peas. There’s nothing this superhero of a milk can’t do. Delicious ice cream? Amazing coffee creamer? WHAT CAN COCONUT MILK NOT DO???

Level of Nutitude: Disregarding the lime shortage and just making a ton of guacamole.

1. Almond Milk

Thinkstock / thinkstockphotos.com|YelenaYemchuk

Almond milk is the CREAM OF THE NUT MILK CROP. There is no competition here, folks. It’s go almond or go home. You know that gross feeling you get if you drink a whole glass of regular, gaggy milk from a cute cow? ALMOND MILK WILL NEVER DO THAT TO YOU. Plus, it has more calcium so it has HEALTH BENEFITS. ALL HAIL THE ALMOND MILK.

Level of Nutitude: Putting on your Badass Pants one leg at a time.

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