The 5 Old Hollywood Men We Need 2013 Versions Of

Ah, old Hollywood. Where the men were manlier, the women were womanlier, and it’s all probably because of the offensively high amount of meat consumption and milk chugging that occurred at the time.

But even so, some of the stars from way back when looked damn fine. And it makes me wonder - where are our 2013 hubba-da-hubba-da-hubba-das?

Here’s a commemoration to The Originals-

1. The O.B.B (Original Bad Boy): Marlon Brando

Sometimes categorized as ‘eccentric’, Brando was known for his crazy antics that were way outside of Hollywood norms. I mean, truth is, the man was probably certifiably insane. He was expelled from high school for riding a motorcycle through the halls, owned a private island off the Pacific coast, developed a weird obsession with the Congas, and used his Oscar as a doorstop.

It was as if he didn’t want to be famous, sort of like the Kristen Stewart conundrum, except Brando was actually wildly talented - so much so that even if he didn’t want the fame, the world knew they would be hugely missing out if they didn’t have him in the limelight. Whereas with Kristen Stewart, well…

ANYWAY- he was the perfect male specimen and for many women at that time, with his hunky roles in A Streetcar Named Desire and On The Waterfront, became the fetishized burly working-man who 2013 just hasn’t supplied us with.

2. The O.C. (Original Cowboy): Paul Newman

EYES.

And along with being ridiculously good-looking, he was also a philanthropist, political activist, family man, etc so, like, a really good person too. Ugh, but when you look like this who even cares….

YES.

3. The O.G.G.Y.W.W.S (Original Gay Guy You Wish Was Straight): Rock Hudson

He was a huge screen idol who was probably gay. Scandal hit when he was one of the first celebrities to come out in 1984 with having AIDS.

But he was built like a tank, with a 6’5” frame, barrel chest, square jaw and full head of hair that made every lady swoon. And probably one of the first gay men of millions to come after him that made women everywhere go “C’mon he’s gay?! Not. fair.”

Lucky bitch.

4. The O.D.K (Original Dancing King): Gene Kelly

So smooth. Self-assured. Killer smile. And could literally sweep you off your feet.

Just kill me now.

5. The O.H. (Original Hipster): James Dean

Oh so cute and oh so handsome. And one of the original hipsters, back when that term simply meant effortlessly cool and fashionable and known for your openness to other cultures, music and art. Now it simply means a gal/guy in Bushwick wearing an ironic grandma sweater (supposedly ironic because they’re wearing it while they’re young/hot, but you know it’s actually ironic because it cost $272) complaining about corporations while they sip a PBR.

ANYWAY - this man could make any hot-blooded human blush. Our closest 2013 resemblance would be James Franco, who actually played James Dean in a bio-pic in 2001. But ah, I dunno, I just don’t think they come like this anymore…..