1. When he gave stellar wedding advice.
“@GR8_Daner: getting married August 1st! Advice?” Before the "I do" part comes, pull down your pants to release 20 white doves. That's love.
2. When his dreams were just as fabulous as he is.
“@ambarvioleta_13: What´s your most recurrent dream?” I'm riding a unicorn along the I-10 and get pulled over for being glorious. Obviously.
3. When he was happy to dish out compliments.
“@djdobbo: Do you have any idea how big Dave Batista's dick is?” That's inappropriate. (But it did beat me in an arm wrestle... Shhh.)
4. When he proudly showed his support for gender equality.
Boom. ”
5. When he relayed the struggles of his daily routine.
I put my pants on both legs at a time. It's incredibly challenging. https://t.co/lCTQlX9GSK
6. When he understood the futility of his existence.
"Remember, life is a swirling galactic black hole which draws in all light and hope, spitting out only gamma-radi-anger." -- My therapist.
7. When he passed on essential life lessons.
"By far, the best test to see if someone's had too much to drink, is to witness them shit on the hood of a car." -- Ancient Chinese Proverb.
8. When his scientific terms were spot on.
I'm no scientist, but theories on "multidimensional para-physical phenomena" seem to hold up fine if you sub in the phrase, "dat-ass-doe".
9. When even the smallest task was a scary one.
"I don't walk. I take brave steps." -- My Uncle Dale. Seconds before getting on an escalator with a large Slurpee.
10. When he fulfilled his end of the bargain.
I'm in the yard. I'd like a milkshake. I've done my part.
11. When his obsession with Zayn Malik knew no bounds.
Love to know where the discarded hair is and how it might be purchased. It's not for a friend. It's for me. https://t.co/1cCcd3ECcL
12. When he eloquently described the difference between him and Ryan Gosling.
Different hair colors. Ryan Gosling has light BLOND hair. And Ryan Reynolds is a cunt. https://t.co/L7BZnh1cGD
13. When he showed off his responsible parenting skills.
This is absolutely monstrous and does anybody know if it requires a permit? https://t.co/23XjMDhND4
14. When he wouldn't let himself be defined by labels.
Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".
15. When he realized some stunts should definitely *not* be tried at home.
The "upside down Spider-Man kiss" is pretty embarrassing when the rope's 2 feet longer than planned. You should see my Dad's face.
16. When he knew how to turn a boring job into an awesome one.
Next time you're grocery shopping, imagine David Attenborough narrating. It really next-levels the whole thing.
17. When he pictured what it would be like from another being's point of view.
I wonder if sharks are huddled up underwater, scared shitless while watching Human Week.
18. When he never lost respect for — or fear of — his mother.
When a driver's engulfed in road rage, saying they're going to shank you with a broken bottle of schnapps, just get out of my mom's way.
19. When he won the romance game.
Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.
20. When he discovered how to instill fear into children.
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
21. When he successfully ruined one of the most passionate love scenes in film history.
I don't like the expression "pissing rain". Because if it was actually urine, it would totally ruin movies like The Notebook.
22. When he described love using a perfect food-related analogy.
It's like waterboarding. If waterboarding tasted like chocolate. https://t.co/NokKj3cuOy
23. When he delivered his opinion on male grooming.
A lot of people missed the true meaning of Michael Jackson's song, "Smooth Criminals". https://t.co/yudzCUAtKe
24. And when he was an obvious contender for world's best father.
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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