What Your Bagel Says About You

That’s why there’s a hole- so we can see straight to your heart.

Unless you are “allergic to gluten”, live in L.A., or are living UNDER A ROCK, you have a favorite bagel. That delicious carbohydrate/starch/calorie-full heaven is your source of happiness.

And I know this because that is a cold, hard fact. It’s a legitimate, SCIENTIFIC FACT. It’s also a scientific fact that your personality and general disposition towards life can be discovered by knowing which type of bagel you chow down on.

Don’t question it. This is a fact. And everything on the internet is true, OK?

2. The Everything Bagel

Ah, the Everything bagel consumer. You are in your mid to late twenties, gnawing on the possibilities of what life has yet to offer you. You know what you want, and don’t stray from it. You wake up early every day and make a decent income, always paying your bills on time. You’ve got a love of flavor but a fear of experimentation.

But wait ‘til you hit your thirties and those seeds start getting in between your teeth. All the sudden you’re wearing dentures at age 37 and you’re not sure where your keys are.

So take my advice (I’m 86% sure that’s legal for me to give to you), and lighten up, brah! Try something on the sweeter side, or maybe quit your job and become an actor! Experiment! Brah!

3. The Plain Bagel

You probably like vanilla ice cream too. And “The Bachelorette”. Listen, I’m not saying you’re boring. I’m sure you have a secret hobby, something like sewing couch pillows with whimsical fabrics or playing Rock Band on the medium level. You like eating everything with ketchup or ranch dressing, and you’re usually pretty easily satisfied as long as there’s a new Nicholas Sparks movie out every six months.

I know, I know. Nailed it on the head!

4. The Whole Wheat Bagel

Before I tell you who you are and whatever, I just need to ask- you do know what the point of a bagel is, right?

You think you’re healthy.

You’re wrong.

5. The Blueberry Bagel

You’re a rare breed. You wear your jean jacket non-ironically in Brooklyn. You love people watching and always have the bartender’s choice. You’re happy on most days and your iPod is filled with the Beach Boys and Jeff Buckley.

You also love fruit (this is known, obviously, because there is fruit in your bagel. I don’t think it takes a genius to figure that one out). BUT you hate cantaloupe, and you don’t know why, but it just tastes bland and generic.

6. The Cinnamon Raisin Bagel

You like the sweet things in life. You spend your money on things you can’t afford, such as that lovely flat screen TV or the 20th magazine subscription you’ve put under your name. You still want to feel young, but you also want people to know that you’re satisfied with the choices you make in your day to day life.

7. The Onion Bagel

It’s painfully clear you enjoy bad breath and hurting peoples’ feelings. Stop doing that. Also brush your teeth.

8. The Rolled Oats Bagel

You surprise people. You can do magic tricks with playing cards. You speak more than one language, and you enjoy a nice glass of orange juice a few times a week. You probably don’t eat a bagel every day (which is a LITTLE WEIRD), but you’re also watching your waistline, and you make this a treat. People respect you.

9. The Spelt Bagel

You’re that person that always tells people about your trip to France or Canada. You think spelt is fancy for wheat, but it’s not. It’s spelt. Google it.

I KNOW, I KNOW. I told you it’s a scientific fact that your bagel does indeed tell us exactly who you are! You can stop acting so surprised!

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