Ignoring News To Stay Happy

The Olympics this year has taught me one thing. Technology sucks.

It's come to the point in my life on this planet that I have to decide how to spend my time. I'm an adult after all.

Well, maybe my Froot Loops and Captain Crunch cereals in my cupboard won't convince you. But my love for Breaking Bad and the fact that I DO NOT do meth despite the fact should.

In a perfect world, we'd all be watching the Olympics right now. Probably in Chicago, where they belong, in a central time zone (USA! USA!). We'd still be rooting for our team (USA! USA! Holy Batman- what is water polo and why have we not made a bigger deal of these men before?!) and convincing each other that we are all capable of the same ridiculous feats they are pulling off. Then, we watch with absolute delight as our country takes its gold, silver, and bronze medals and holds them up in victory! We cry as they wave to the camera, and then we call our parents to remind them that it could've been US! winning that gymnastics gold, regardless of the fact that we stand 5' 9".

BUT NO. We aren't so lucky this time around, are we? The magic is completely gone on us. The little suckers who post on Facebook have taken away my one safe haven to see the news first hand. No more Yahoo! refreshers, they're gonna tell you too. Don't even try People.com, they do this stupid "Spoiler:" section that basically calls your name to read the article.

Friends mouths ramble on and on about Phelps & Lochte and the rivalry and China and boys gymnastics and Samuel L. Jackson's tweets. Who needs the TV anymore to watch the Olympics?

We could hear the updates in 140 words or less, no? Maybe we should just have our stupid friend John Doe head over to London and Skype us all the results. Maybe Oprah could come back in to action with a series that airs before (You get a car! And you! And you! And USA WON!!!!!!! And YOU GET A CAR WE ALL GET CARS HALLELUJAH!!! USA! USA!).

OK, fine, if it was Oprah...

Of course I'd be happier.