1. 1. Right Outside The White House
The Secret Service would not be amused.
2. 2. On A Hot Air Balloon
Pro tip: You can launch fireworks into the air from the ground. You do not have to be up in the air to begin with.
4. 4. At A Golf Tournament
Fireworks are supposed to be fun, whereas golf is not.
9. 9. The Sistine Chapel
They’d like to keep all those fingers, thankyouverymuch.
10. 10. Inside A Pumpkin
You’ll piss off the old guy.
11. 11. Within Accidental Burning Distance Of The Constitution
We know you’re fired up about the Constitution. But you will be in deep bald eagle shit if you set it on fire.
17. 17. In States Where All Consumer Fireworks Are Illegal, Like Massachusetts…
19. 19. And Delaware
Now you know something about Delaware!
21. 21. At A Performance Of John Cage’s 4’33”
22. 22. Inside A Fireworks Factory
Exploding fireworks factories are not even remotely cool in real life.
23. 23. North Korea
Kim Jong Un would not share your enthusiasm.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYONE!