1. 1. Right Outside The White House
The Secret Service would not be amused.
2. 2. On A Hot Air Balloon
Pro tip: You can launch fireworks into the air from the ground. You do not have to be up in the air to begin with.
4. 4. At A Golf Tournament
Fireworks are supposed to be fun, whereas golf is not.
9. 9. The Sistine Chapel
They’d like to keep all those fingers, thankyouverymuch.
10. 10. Inside A Pumpkin
You’ll piss off the old guy.
11. 11. Within Accidental Burning Distance Of The Constitution
We know you’re fired up about the Constitution. But you will be in deep bald eagle shit if you set it on fire.
17. 17. In States Where All Consumer Fireworks Are Illegal, Like Massachusetts…
21. 21. At A Performance Of John Cage’s 4’33”
22. 22. Inside A Fireworks Factory
Exploding fireworks factories are not even remotely cool in real life.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYONE!
- Tunisia's president declared a state of emergency a week after a deadly terror attack on a beach hotel.
- Some 150 migrants stranded in the French city of Calais stormed the Channel Tunnel in an attempt to make it to British territory.
- It took a while, but an English national soccer team has finally defeated Germany in a major tournament. England took third place with a 1-0 win over the top-ranked German team in the FIFA Women's World Cup ⚽️
- Chile defeated Argentina on penalties to win the Copa America tournament. It's the first ever trophy for Chile in the 99 years of the Copa ⚽️