23 Places Where You Definitely Should Not Set Off Fireworks

The Fourth of July is upon us, which for many people means that it’s once again time for amateur fireworks displays. But please take a minute to consider some friendly advice about where NOT to show everyone how much you love America.

1. 1. Right Outside The White House

The Secret Service would not be amused.

2. 2. On A Hot Air Balloon

Pro tip: You can launch fireworks into the air from the ground. You do not have to be up in the air to begin with.

3. 3. Under A Thatched Roof

4. 4. At A Golf Tournament

Fireworks are supposed to be fun, whereas golf is not.

6. 6. Near Your Cat

Cats have enough to worry about as it is.

7. 7. Anywhere Near A Cloned T-Rex

8. 8. At Your Local Public Library

9. 9. The Sistine Chapel

They’d like to keep all those fingers, thankyouverymuch.

10. 10. Inside A Pumpkin

You’ll piss off the old guy.

11. 11. Within Accidental Burning Distance Of The Constitution

We know you’re fired up about the Constitution. But you will be in deep bald eagle shit if you set it on fire.

12. 12. Next To The World’s Largest House Of Cards

13. 13. At A Funeral

Don’t be that guy.

15. 15. On Top Of An iPhone

16. 16. Near A Wooden iPhone Holder Shaped Like A Hand

17. 17. In States Where All Consumer Fireworks Are Illegal, Like Massachusetts…

19. 19. And Delaware

Now you know something about Delaware!

20. 20. In A Redwood Forest

21. 21. At A Performance Of John Cage’s 4’33”

22. 22. Inside A Fireworks Factory

Exploding fireworks factories are not even remotely cool in real life.

23. 23. North Korea

Kim Jong Un would not share your enthusiasm.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYONE!

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