Top 13 Worst Things Ever

It's been a bummer of a week, so cheer yourself up by remembering you're better than all these guys. For even more worst things ever, check out the full article.

• 1. Worst. Band. Ever.

  Cocaine's a helluva drug.

• 2. Worst. White people dancing. Ever.

  This is an excerpt from a 1984 straight-to-VHS video called Dazzle Dancin', hosted by Rick Dees. As a white person, I feel deeply ashamed.

• 3. Worst. Choir. Ever.

  This church choir thought it would be funny to perform a medley of recent pop and hip-hop songs. Because they're old! But because they're old, they seem timid and confused.

• 4. Worst. '80s fashion shoot. Ever.

  This is from the 1983 film Portfolio, in which models and fashion industry types 'acted' as themselves. It's like an unholy mashup of Zoolander and Jem and the Holograms.

• 5. Worst. Black metal band. Ever.

  If there's such a thing as black metal shoegaze, these German dudes have it nailed.

• 6. Worst. Fight scene. Ever.

  There are lots of hilariously bad fight scenes, but you really can't go past the infamous stupidity of Undefeatable, the 1994 martial-arts film starring Cynthia Rothrock. My favourite bit is when the good guy holds up a piece of his opponent's white coat with a kind of bewildered fury.

• 7. Worst. Death scene. Ever.

  This guy kind of reminds me of Daniel Stern in Home Alone, but that could just be because Daniel Stern got hit in the nads a lot in those movies.

• 8. Worst. Scottish accents. Ever.

  The team from Australian kids' show Hi-5 travelled to Scotland via India and Mike Myers' house.

• 9. Worst. Rap battle. Ever.

  God, there's just nothing more awkward than public-access TV, is there? Case in point: why does the host cuddle one of the judges from behind?

• 10. Worst. Line Delivery. Ever.

  Again, this is a field full of doozies, but Ryan O'Neal wrings an unnecessary amount of melodrama out of what is barely even dialogue.

• 11. Worst. Gospel singer. Ever.

  Surely this kid is taking the piss out of gospel's melismatic excesses. But from the way the choir members are losing their shit behind him, perhaps he's serious.

• 12. Worst. Ad. Ever.

  This was made in Soviet Estonia in the late 1970s. I love its disturbing segues from live chickens to unappetising ground meat to plump-cheeked maidens eating deep-fried products.

• 13. Worst. Beatboxer. Ever.

  Words fail me, but I made some huffing and puffing noises and sprayed saliva around.