1. “Two tickets, please.”
For which film? At what time? Is it even for today?! If you don’t give me the specifics, I’m going to decide for you.
2. Student cards, OAP cards, loyalty cards, proof of age, vouchers…
Is that even YOU in that photo?
3. Kids buying tickets for films they are not old enough to watch
“What’s your date of birth?”
“Ehhh… uh… theeee 15th May 1992?”
4. Kids buying tickets for films they ARE old enough to watch and then trying to sneak into a film they ARE NOT old enough to watch
You think I can’t see you pretending to go to the toilet, but actually wandering into another screen? Try again.
5. Customers complaining about the price of snacks
Yes, we understand that cinema food is expensive, but did we set the prices? No. And are lines such as “I’ll need to remortgage my house to afford all this” or “Going to the cinema is daylight robbery!” at all original? No, no they are not.
6. Customers watching a film at the cinema, but expecting it to be just like watching a film at home
The cinema is too warm.
The cinema is too cold.
The film is too loud.
The film isn’t loud enough.
This seat isn’t comfortable enough.
I do apologise for not being able to tailor the cinema to your EXACT needs. Leave me your specifications and I will ensure it is perfect for your next visit.
7. Technical difficulties…
There’s a giant black line running across the middle of the screen? Well, surely that just adds to the viewing experience?
There’s no sound playing along with the picture? Now, are you positive you didn’t actually want to watch a silent film?
No? Okay. I’ll get someone to fix it.
8. Mobile phones
If you have to take a phone call, please leave the auditorium.
Otherwise, using your phone during a film indicates a number of things about you:
1. You are a douche. The light emitted from screens is extremely distracting to other viewers.
2. You have serious Fear Of Missing Out Syndrome. You can’t possibly go for a couple of hours without texting your friend/significant other/mum/cat?!
3. You have the attention span of a goldfish. Was it really necessary to check your social media throughout this film? I think not.
10. Crisis situations
“Sir, there is a fire in the building. I must ask you to evacuate.”
“I’m not moving until you tell me that you will refund the film I won’t be able to watch?”
“… Yes. But can you not see there are more important issues at stake here?!”
11. Fights between customers
Can’t we all just get along?
13. Bodily fluids
Vomit… so much vomit. Amongst other things.
14. Walking into an auditorium… and accidentally catching a huge spoiler
Guess I won’t be watching this one then.
15. Customers who want to watch the entirety of the credits
THERE’S NO SCENE AT THE END.
(I blame Marvel for this)
16. Cleaning up the monstrous piles of rubbish left behind by customers
Because a cinema is pretty much the only place in the world where it’s acceptable to gorge yourself on sweets, popcorn, soft drinks and crisps and then leave all of your rubbish scattered on the floor for some poor soul to clean up behind you.
17. Customers queuing up outside their auditorium half an hour before their film is due to start
“What’s taking so long, why can’t I come in?”
“Because I’m still cleaning all the crap left behind after the previous screening!”
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