77 Thoughts Every Woman Has During Childbirth

Get me a f&*%ing epidural.

iStock/Alex Bramwell

1. Oww. That hurts.

2. I think I’m in labor.

3. I should go to the hospital.

4. Where is that bag I packed?

5. Oh — who the hell cares — I’M IN LABOR!

6. I see some dirt on the floor. Should I sweep before I go?

7. How can I bring the baby home to a dirty floor?

8. I’m going to make a shitty mother.

iStock/Volobuyev

9. Oww!!!!!

10. DRIVE FASTER.

11. Why is it taking so long to check into the hospital?

12. Maybe I can get an epidural while I’m filling out these forms.

13. Wait, you have to be kidding me. I can’t be admitted yet?

14. But my cervix is dilating as we speak.

15. I have to be closer to 10 centimeters?

16. Please don’t make me have this kid on the waiting room floor.

17. He’d never forgive me.

18. Or she.

19. I am really dying to meet this kid.

20. I’m also ready for people to stop asking me what I’m having.

iStock/hello_meni

21.Owww! Am I saying “oww” every 30 seconds now?

22. A room, thank God a room.

23. OK — which way is this gown supposed to go?

24. Like it really matters.

25. I guess it would help to take my underwear off.

26. Hopefully no one here cares that I didn’t shave.

27. Is my husband taking pictures of me in a hospital gown sucking on ice chips hooked up to an IV?

28. I will divorce him if he posts these on Facebook.

29.Maybe he can make himself useful and get me the birthing plan.

30. It says: “Try natural childbirth if pain is tolerable.”

31. OK, I tried it. Now get me a fuc&%*ing epidural.

32. I’m ready to be punctured in the spinal cord right now.

33. So why is the anesthesiologist talking to my husband about the Yankees?

34. I can’t push if I’m in pain!

35. Ahhh… that’s better. I could stay like this for a while.

iStock/Dirima

36. Except I have to push a tiny human being through my birth canal.

37. Unless I’m not fully dilated and I’ll need a C-section.

38. No one’s come in here in a long time. Not even the anesthesiologist to give my husband the Yankees score.

39. I hope the baby’s heart rate is OK.

40. The lines on the monitor look — squiggly. I’m going to call for a nurse.

41. Women in labor are allowed to be pushy. But speaking of pushing: How do I do it?

42. Women have given birth in taxis and rice fields for godsakes. How hard could it really be?

43. The doctor said I’m 10 centimeters! Showtime!

44. Holy crap, this is hard. And speaking of crap, please let me not crap in public.

45. Why is the nurse yelling at me?

46. Oh, I should push.

47. This is like that dream when I’m going to the bathroom and everybody’s watching me. Except two people are holding my legs apart and I’m not on a toilet.

48. And my husband is screaming, “You can do it!”

49. He doesn’t have to hold his breath for 10 seconds and squeeze muscles he never knew existed.

50. I have to say, though: My body is fu%^#@ing awesome.

51. A lot more awesome than the male body. We’d have a much smaller population if men had uteruses.

52. This is taking a long time. Is the heart rate still OK?

53. I hear random beeps.

54. Oh — that’s my husband’s iPad. He’s playing a video game?!?!?

55. We are definitely getting a divorce.

56. As soon as he helps me deliver this baby!

57. Oww — pain again.

58. I hope this kid appreciates what I’m doing for him. Or her.

59. Why is my husband crying?

60. And why is the nurse guiding my hand to my vagina? Hasn’t it been through enough?

61. Oh my God, that’s the head!! The baby’s crowning!

62. My husband is screaming, “It’s coming!”

63. He is going to make the best dad.

64. Look how much he loves his kid. And he didn’t even meet him yet. Or her.

65. Whoever you are, we love you already.

66. It’s OK that we’ve been in the hospital for almost nine hours. Take your time.

67. Is that you crying?

68. Is the nurse actually putting you in my arms? I can’t believe I’m holding my baby.

iStock/Studio-Annika

69. My baby.

70. I have to get used to saying that.

71. You’re really mine.

72. And you’re perfect.

73. It’s like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.

74. How can I tell my husband how much I love him?

75. We did it.

76. He’s a father now. I’m a mother. And we’re both in love with you.

77. I have never loved anything so much in my life.

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