1.
[looking up at the stars] me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life
2.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
3.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
4.
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
5.
I'm doing life just like everyone else, 1 screw up after another and a trash can full of empty wine bottles
6.
*Wipes phone on boob* -Blocks 5 people -Unfollows 3 -Sends 2 randoms nudes -Orders a pizza -Texts 'I miss you' to the ex
7.
You may have just gotten engaged but I just put a fleece onesie on straight from the dryer
8.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
9.
They say "you snooze, you lose," which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.
10.
*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
11.
I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.
12.
DATE: so are u democrat or republican ME: why don't we save that convo for later haha [googling under the table "what is demmacrat"]
13.
How to adult: At work? Want to go home. At home? Want to do something. Doing something? Want to be in bed. In bed? Don't sleep.
14.
*cooking* recipe: one cup white wine *looks at bottle of wine I'm drinking* *googles "substitute for white wine"*
15.
I want to die as I lived, so at my funeral make everyone wait for me & then send them a text that says “Heyyy probably just gonna stay home”
16.
*cat puts dead mouse in front of me* cats are weird. why do u have to show me ur food befor u eat it *goes to restaurant & instagrams meal*
17.
It's all good. Me, at wine tastings.
18.
Friend: u around this weekend Me: yep F: to help me move M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
19.
I don't know who I am but I need to know how many calories are in this
20.
Boss: mike Boss: Mike Boss: Mike Ginn Me: whaaa sorry was just... doing an email
21.
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead* MUGGER: ??? ME: I'm thinking.