10 Ways That 2030 Will Be Lame

Or, ‘How I came to Love our World as it is now’

1. No more Free Train rides

Everywhere Train Security is increasing and new payment methods are constantly being found (ones that make the whole ‘O, I forgot my’ or ‘Sorry I don’t have any’ arguments null and void). Near where I live they are introducing a new Card which has money uploaded on it and which has to be buzzed at the beginning and end of the journey and then just deducts the travel amount. These days I still don’t have one and don’t pay when I don’t have to. But in a few years without a pass I won’t be able to even get on to the station…

2. The 12th Xbox Console will have just been released

With another stupid name which somehow, after three decades, still attempts at the impression of innovation.
Names which didn’t make the cut:
XBOX Revolutions
XBOX Circle
XBOX X
XBOX Promethean
XBOX Twelve (or, I guess, XBOX Ten, cause apparently they only started counting after the first two)

3. Converse have gone out of Style

O no! Why! Why!?
Well, as my old pal Heraclitus likes to say ‘Everything Flows’
But don’t worry they’ll be back soon!

4. Google has gone too far

Google by this point has departments dedicated to Sneakers and others to Motorbikes, and others to Film Animation, and others to Game Design, and others to Mobile Phone Design, and others to Aeronautical Innovation, and others to Secret Industrial Military Contracts, and others to Media and O yeah, one department that deals with all that internet stuff.
Not all the stuff they make is going to come out great.

5. Low Riding is back in Style

You thought you’d had enough of it by the year 2008, but in 2027 a really sweet movie comes out that somehow puts us all at ease with how silly the trend was. By the next day people are dressing in vintage style as always, yet now low-riding is vintage!

6. Junk Food is Boring

The youthful wonder of ripping open a glossy packet of some new chip flavour can’t be going on anew forever. Sure, it was exciting when Ice Cream came up with the whole new ‘Bubble gum’ flavour thing, but that was quite a while ago. Just like Ice Cream, soon the Chip market will slide into maturity and we will be left with nothing but the same companies still using the same slogans and angles of ‘More Crunch’ and ‘Extra Curly’.
Maybe there isn’t that much you can do with Chips.
Maybe we’re all just going to have to accept that.

7. Miley Cyrus is now Twerking for a Cause

It’s great that after a real rough bout with heroin abuse, that Miley can return to the stage with hits such as “My Achey Breaky Coronary Arteries”. However it’s just a little annoying at this point when her songs don’t even feature the mild-yet-still-rampant violence and pedophilia which she was so loved for but seek to teach us the lessons she learnt while in rehab instead.

8. Torrenting is a Hassle

Come on, like this wasn’t obvious.
Suddenly all the main servers you knew and loved have gone. All you want to do is show your kids Season One of How I met your Mother but you can’t do it without crawling through the side alleys of the internet and gathering a smorgasbord of viruses.
Torrenting is still possible, its just a hassle.
Sometimes a hassle is just too much.

9. Coins are being phased out of use.

Sure this doesn’t worry you. It doesn’t worry me. It not our concern. In fact its great, you won’t have that heavy stuff clunking around in your wallet. It’s about time really. But what about the next time you can’t decide who gets the last beer in the case you split with your mate and your hand goes for your wallet to pull out that trusty Heads and Tails instrument of faith which has the power to sway such Gods as to cause you to get the last beer and you to get the warm sleeping bag and you to get the front seat.
Don’t it always seem to go,
that you don’t know what you got
till it’s gone?

10. Children will never receive Large gifts

Sure, we will still have Democracy, and will have achieved it in other places but will the Children be Happy? Will they play in the fields and know the joy of wind in their hair? Will they know the joy of seeing something huge stick out under the Christmas tree and the joy of knowing that it just has to be the console they wanted?
No, they won’t. Nothing they receive will be larger than a book in this Nano age.

(I think I’m crying)
Really, ever since the Nintendo64 came out, its been down hill for History. Enjoy it while it lasts folks, Yolo, Carpe Diem, and all the other things.

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