1. Any food that isn’t doused entirely in hot sauce tastes like cardboard to you.
2. You spend a significant amount of your time and money on hair removal, in various forms.
3. Seriously, you’ve tried everything. At this point, you’re an expert.
4. You regularly receive Facebook friend requests from middle-aged men in suburban India with whom you have zero mutual friends.
5. But the hilarity of being approached by random men is always tinged with fear, because you’ve seen too many news stories like this.
6. You were raised to fear the sun because your grandmother would disown you if your skin got darker.
7. Speaking of your grandma, she asks if you’ve found a husband yet every time you talk…
8. And when you say no, she reminds you that she’s happy to find you one.
9. But the only thing you fear more than an arranged marriage is a Shaadi.com marriage.
10. Because you know wife-seekers have some unreasonable (albeit hilarious) demands.
11. Of course, at the end of the day, you’re free to marry whomever you want… Except the extensive list of races, religions, and nationalities your mom has vetoed.
Bring home a Pakistani boy and see what happens. I dare you.
12. You can’t keep track of your cousins because there are way too many of them.
13. No matter how old you get, you have to give your parents a detailed itinerary every time you leave home.
14. Nothing cheers you up like rocking out to your Bollywood jams.
15. If you ever got sick, you were forced to eat ginger and drink honey, regardless of the ailment.
And, if physically possible, you were made to somehow interact with a Neem tree.
16. Your standards for romance are unreasonably high.
Thank you, Bollywood. Sorry, current and future boyfriends.
17. Speaking of romance, Shah Rukh Khan was your first crush.
18. But you moved on because you were convinced that he was married to Kajol.
19. And you’ll always have a special place in your heart for the men in blue.
Sure, Dravid is a wall… But he’s a wall we’re willing to climb.
20. You can’t listen to bhangra music without spontaneously losing control of your shoulders.
It’s like they have a life of their own. Mundian tu bach ke rahi.
21. You have some serious swearing abilities and you aren’t afraid to use them.
22. Your other special talent: bargaining.
“500 rupees? I’ll give you 10.”
23. People assume your life is either Slumdog Millionaire or Bend It Like Beckham.
No, I didn’t ride to school on top of a train. And no, I can’t make you alloo gobi.
24. You have a complicated relationship with “YOLO,” as a concept.
25. You keep your extended family on “limited profile” because you’re not the seedhi saadhi ladki that they think you are.
26. In your vocabulary, chai = gossip.
And gossip = gupshup.
27. You never had sex ed at school, so you learned about sex from questionable sources.
28. Your arteries are probably clogged from all that mitthai.
29. And your lungs are probably blackened from all that hookah.
30. But you know that there’s nothing in the world more flattering than a sari and some confidence.
Worn with a strategically cut blouse, of course. #sarinotsorry