1. If you drink $4 wine for long enough, you eventually become immune to how shitty it tastes.
2. It’s magical and beautiful to live in a world where sweatpants are permissible in public. Cherish it.
3. All the smartest kids know that a 20-page paper is actually just a 17-page paper with wider margins.
4. Knowing how to have sex quietly enough that your floormates don’t hear is an essential life skill.
5. All you need to have for an active social life is good speakers and a stash of Solo cups.
6. You will be smarter if you read every assigned book, but saner if you occasionally embrace Sparknotes.
7. There’s no such thing as “FREE PIZZA!” You will be strong-armed into making friends, donations, or small talk.
But there is such a thing as free T-shirts. And they’re everywhere. You never have to buy clothes again.
8. Once you’re at college, feeling stuck up about getting in or discussing your SAT score = not allowed.
9. The requisite nine hours of nightly sleep can, once a week, be replaced by two hours + two Red Bulls.
And if an assignment is supposed to take two weeks, you will probably be capable of doing it in two hours.
If you dare, apply this ratio to everything.
10. It is never a good idea to hook up with anyone who can get you in trouble. Sorry, hot RA and TA.
Or anyone you have to see every day. Floorcest is only a good idea in theory.
11. If you are a good person, you are a good roommate. The end.
12. If you ever pay full price for a textbook, you don’t deserve to graduate because you have learned nothing.
And your meal plan isn’t saving you $$$. You’re just paying a lot to eat pizza and Nutella for every meal.
13. Listservs are like glitter and herpes and Hotel California. Once you’re in, it’s forever.
14. It will never be easier to make drastic style choices than it is now. Get your experiments out.
15. The number of think pieces you will read about college hook-up culture…
16. Your professors are geniuses whom you are lucky to know. If you ask them your toughest questions, they will change your life.
17. If all of your friends look, sound, or think the same way, you need to make more friends.
18. You aren’t required to forgive anyone who interrupts you during nap time.
Because life is crazy and rest is important.
19. Professors have a weird mental connection that makes them ALL assign major work at the exact same time.
You cannot change this fact, only prepare for it.
20. You will change your major several times, and still graduate not knowing if you chose the right one.
21. No matter how cool you think you are freshman year, you will realize in four years that you were actually a dumbass.
22. By sending or accepting Facebook friend requests before meeting someone in real life, you eliminate the possibility of ever being friends with them.
23. Nobody likes the kid whose favorite game is “Let’s compete over who’s busier and gets less sleep.”
24. Being surrounded by improv shows, a cappella concerts, theater performances, etc. is a luxury.
And you’d be a fool not to take advantage of it.