1. Without warning, all your friends start getting engaged and having babies…
And Facebook becomes a torture device.
2. Instead of being reassuring, checking your bank balance is like watching a countdown to homelessness.
3. There is an expectation that waking up early becomes easier with time. It does not.
4. You will constantly intend to start going to the gym…
…Regardless of if you ever actually do.
5. You work tirelessly 60 hours a week to earn money…for your tax collector and landlord.
6. And you spend the rest of your money* on attending weddings and baby showers.
*And vacation days. And emotional bandwidth.
7. No party, no matter how perfect, is as fun as being in bed without pants on.
8. And no significant other, no matter how compatible, is as loyal as Netflix and Hulu.
9. You cumulatively spend several years of your life just dusting and vacuuming and wiping things.
10. You endure a lot of bizarre hair/makeup mishaps…
Before finally figuring out how you’re supposed to look.
11. Eventually we all turn into our mothers and fathers. Generally, this is a privilege.
12. Your hangovers will always be far more painful than your drunkenness was fun.
13. You have to work to acquire things that used to just show up. Like utensils. And trashcans.
14. The fairytale romance Disney reared you to want is much less enticing than finding someone who just gets you.
15. When you’re professionally successful, people you haven’t talked to in years suddenly want to be your BFF.
16. And when you’re not, you’re the one sending “hey how’s it going” texts to people you haven’t spoken to in 10 years.
17. You at age 6: “I wanna be an astronaut!” You at age 22: “I’m writing to express interest in your unpaid internship.”
18. Keeping a written account of your money situation is both useful and incredibly depressing.
19. Online dating is when you swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe right, lose hope.
21. Watching/reading/hearing every cool cultural phenomenon is a full-time job. Relevance is an unattainable myth.
22. Your interior decor will follow only one unified theme: cheap.
23. You will never outgrow junk food cravings.
They may just marginally decrease as you grow more and more aware of the state of your arteries.
24. No matter how “over it” you are, you will probably Facebook stalk an ex once or twice a week.
25. You will spend as much time trying to understand what a 401(k) is as you will reaping its benefits.
Same for “credit score” and “pap smear.”
26. Everyone is living in a permanent state of inexplicable backache.
27. And that pair of pants you’ve kept for years because you’re sure you’ll fit back into them someday? Yep, OK, sure.
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