1. “How do you get it to look like that?”
Step 1: Wake up.
Step 2: Shower.
Step 3: Hope for the best.
2. “Can I touch it? Can I play with it?”
Please, please, no.
3. When they insist on touching it anyway: “Omg, wait, there’s stuff in here.”
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
4. “Do you ever think about straightening it?”
Do you ever think about stfu-ing?
5. “Whoa, you look SO good with it straightened!”
I know the words sound like a compliment when you say them, but I’m still hearing an insult.
6. “I love how it springs back up when I pull it. I could do this forever.”
What Nicki said.
7. “Ugh, I wish I had interesting hair.”
And I wish I didn’t wake up looking like Chewbacca every day, but that’s life.
8. “So do you have to curl it every morning?”
How have you lived so long with so little intelligence?
9. “I have a great salon I can recommend.”
Nope, nope, nope. Salons won’t do, I need a magician. Got one of those?
10. “What do you mean you don’t own a hairbrush?”
I mean, I used to…
11. “So then how do you brush your hair?”
Unless I’m trying to look like a wild lion on purpose, I don’t.
12. “You’re so lucky. It’s like having a natural perm.”
No… A perm is like getting a fake this.
13. When anyone comes over: “Damn, why do you need SO many hair products.”
In order to look at least somewhat civilized while my hair insists on defying gravity.
14. “Why do you need so long to get ready?”
So I don’t have to spend the next two days looking like a disheveled hedgehog.
15. “Don’t be a baby, it’s just a little drizzle, you’ll be fine.”
16. “How come it looks different from like…TV curly hair?”
How to have curly hair like people in movies do:
1. Straighten your naturally curly hair.
2. Curl your straightened hair using curling irons.
3. Go into the world and propagate unrealistic expectations of what curly hair looks like.
17. “Yeah, my hair is super frizzy too.”
19. “Loving the retro look.”
OK, sure, let’s pretend that was on purpose.
20. “You have SO. MUCH. HAIR.”
Correct. Thank you. Yes.
21. “So how long does it take you to straighten it?”
Several hours. Cumulatively, probably years of my life. Any other questions?
22. Roommates/significant others: “I literally find your hair everywhere.”
Yup, I leave a trail of hairballs everywhere I go so I don’t get lost.
24. “You should try this amazing conditioner I found. I swear it works.”
I don’t need conditioner, I need a zookeeper.
25. “I don’t get it. Why don’t you just comb it straight?”
Because I don’t hate myself.
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