1. Dresses that fit on your top half feel completely insubstantial from the waist down. Normal length on model = micro mini on you.
2. And pants that correctly fit your waist, hips, AND legs are a myth. Choose any two and buy a belt.
3. You’ve spent several hours of your life in fitting rooms stuck in pants that won’t go up past your thighs.
4. And when you do happen to find those perfect jeans, don’t get too attached. They’ll be gone reeeeal soon.
5. So this concept – no matter how absurd – is actually very, very appealing to you.
6. You spent all of high school and college leaking out of these awful chairs.
Is higher education worth these bruises?
7. You’re always at risk of knocking things over without realizing it, for no fault of your own.
8. People recognize you just as well from behind as they do from looking at your face.
10. Walking up stairs with someone directly behind you makes you profoundly uncomfortable.
11. You can’t wear short shorts because your magnificent backside insists on peeking out of them.
14. Having your friends compare your posterior to stars/planets/galaxies/wonders of the world is standard fair.
15. You’ve heard this song sung to you more than you’ve heard your own name.
16. Your underwear, no matter how low and how subtle, pretty much always makes an appearance.
17. Group photos with your flat-assed friends always have one uncontested center of attention.
18. And these cutesy couple photos end up highlighting the wrong couple altogether.
19. Even if the rest of you is teeny tiny, sharing chairs with another person is out of the question.
20. Catcallers, who are universally disgusting and loathed, save their worst behavior for you.
23. If you decide to lean against a pole on public transportation, everyone’s commute gets a bit more awkward.
25. And biking = the painful revelation that bicycle seat makers never have and never will understand your needs.
26. Two-piece swimsuits where you can’t mix and match different size tops and bottoms? Haha, no thanks.
27. Printed or brightly colored pants are off-limits unless you’re ready for a steady stream of “compliments” all day.
29. And, worst of all, if you ever try to complain, you’re reminded that a lot of people would love to have the assets that you were born with.
- Prosecutors will seek the death penalty for Dylann Roof, accused of killing nine people in a Charleston church in June. ›