1. Safe-for-work tampons that come in packaging that looks like a pen.
2. A smartphone app that tracks your hair’s greasiness.
3. And tells you in advance when you’ll absolutely need to wash it.
4. A tiny vacuum that constantly roams around your apartment picking up hairs.
5. A highly sophisticated robot bra that perfectly conforms to your exact measurements.
6. And converts into any kind of bra you need (sport, strapless, T-shirt, etc.).
7. And has a cloaking mode so its straps are always undetectable.
8. AND it’s self cleaning.
9. A white T-shirt that is pit-stain resistant.
10. And is opaque even when wet.
11. Nail polish that stays on un-chipped for several weeks.
12. But changes colors every week.
13. Pizza that burns calories when you eat it.
14. Beautiful lace bras that won’t show under your T-shirt.
15. A bank that sends you angry texts when you’ve spent too much money on shoes.
16. A pair of heels that can change height based on your outfit.
17. Jeans that automatically shrink to the right length when you try them on.
18. Makeup that stays on and un-smudged forever.
19. Birth control for men.
20. An app that decodes every text you get from a romantic interest.
21. An internet browser extension that hides all wedding and baby announcements.
22. And replaces them with pictures of baby animals.
23. Rain- and snow-resistant shoes that aren’t ugly as all hell.
24. An iPhone app that tells you who around you is single.
25. An iPhone app that tells you who around you is single and over their ex.
26. An iPhone app that tells you who around you isn’t an asshole.
27. Zero-calorie waffles.
28. Zero-calorie Nutella.
29. Necklaces that don’t tangle.
30. Spanx that don’t make you feel like you’re slowly numbing all your inner organs.
31. Extraordinarily comfortable panties that don’t show panty lines.
32. A magical device that keeps your sundresses and skirts from flying up in the wind.
33. An app that lets you check the length of the bathroom line at any restaurant.
34. Birth control you only have to take once a year.
35. Hats that don’t give you hat hair.
36. Shirts that display the appropriate amount of cleavage for each situation.
37. A bar that lets you drink for free if you’re on your period.
38. A force field that keeps out catcallers.
39. Self-maintaining eyebrows.
40. Pants that display snarky statements to anyone checking out your ass, but look the same to everyone else.
41. Clubs that have a No Hitting On Anyone rule for nights you wanna dance with your friends.
42. Jeans that actually fit right on waist, butt, thighs, and legs.
43. An online dating app that automatically weeds out anyone whom your mom wouldn’t like.
44. And an online dating app that automatically weeds out anyone that YOU wouldn’t like.
45. A food that has the nutritional value of kale but tastes like Cheetos.
46. A food that has the nutritional value of kale but tastes like Oreos.
47. Light-up earring backs, so you can find them when you drop them.
48. An app that sends your mother reassuring texts once a day.
49. Public restrooms that don’t have the dreaded stall door-gap.
50. Self de-staining clothing.
51. A cheap gadget that gets rid of pimples painlessly and instantly.
52. Button-down shirts that fit right.
53. Entire outfits that are work-appropriate but made of yoga pants material.
54. Earrings that can never be more than a foot away from each other, so if you find one you find the other.
55. Painless hair removal lotion that is PERMANENT.
56. A shampoo that keeps your hair grease-free for several months.
57. Bangs that stay the ideal length forever.
58. Self de-clogging shower drains.
59. Eyeshadow that changes color when the sun sets so it’s day and night appropriate.
60. Tights that don’t rip. Ever.
61. Unless they came pre-ripped on purpose in a cool, edgy way.
62. Hair products that let you switch from straight to curly to wavy (or anything else) in a minute.
63. Clothing sizes that are realistic.
64. A way to stop your period at a moment’s notice if you need to.
65. A way to give birth without suffering unforgettable physical trauma.
66. School and university courses that teach men to be feminists.
67. A fashion industry that is accepting of all body types and aesthetics, so that most of this list would be irrelevant.
68. A corporate culture that makes sure you earn as much as men do.
69. A safe and respectful equal-opportunity society.
- Illinois' attorney general has asked the U.S. Department of Justice's Civil Rights Division to investigate Chicago's police department. ›