1. This is India’s majestic, stately, awe-inspiring Parliament complex.
3. Early this afternoon, India’s Press Information Bureau ran a press release, saying there are too many of the latter (monkeys) in the former (Parliament). It further detailed:
“Various efforts are being made to tackle monkey and dog menace inside and around Parliament House. […] The measures being taken include: scaring the monkeys away by trained persons who disguise themselves as langurs. New Delhi Municipal Corporation (NDMC) has hired forty young persons for this purpose. NDMC also acquired Sure Shot Rubber Bullet Guns for scaring away the monkeys. A team of dog catchers visits the Parliament House and surrounding areas twice a week for catching unimmunized and unsterilized stray dogs.”
4. I know what you’re thinking. “Hold up, that was a lot of writing. WHAT exactly is the problem??”
5. The problem is: There are too many monkeys and dogs running around inside Parliament.
6. And here’s a breakdown of what the Indian government is doing about it:
1. The New Delhi Municipal Corporation has bought some guns with rubber bullets, to scare monkeys with.
2. They’ve hired dog catchers to visit twice a week and catch dogs.
3. They have hired 40 “young persons” to “disguise themselves as langurs” and SCARE AWAY THE MONKEYS.
7. I REPEAT. FORTY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HIRED. TO ACT LIKE LANGURS. AND SCARE MONKEYS. IN PARLIAMENT.
9. Btw, this is a langur:
Back in the day, real langurs would be used to scare away monkeys who terrorized urban areas. But as of 1972, when animal activists succeeded in having langurs categorized as a protected breed, it’s been forbidden to own or sell them. So now human beings have to imitate langurs to do this noble and necessary job.
10. Rediff reported earlier this month that these delinquent monkeys often walk around stealing and destroying important paperwork with rampant disregard for the progress of our nation.
11. Well, not anymore, monkey tyrant overlords. We’ve got 40 people pretending to be langurs. AND THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU.
An earlier version of this post incorrectly said that 40 people had been hired to dress like langurs and scare monkeys. In reality, the Wall Street Journal has reported, they will imitate langurs, make langur noises, and brandish sticks at monkeys, but not don any special costumes. In short, Indian Parliament’s new hires will not be dressing like langurs, simply acting like them.