30 Brilliant Life Improvement Tips From Tom Haverford

“Sometimes you gotta work a little… So you can ball a lot.”

1. Always know how to make an entrance.

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2. Line your shoes with red carpeting to lead a glamorous life.

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3. Use your pop culture knowledge to seem like an expert on anything.

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4. When life hands you lemons, take it as a cue to party.

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5. Even when you’re looking out for other people, remember to look out for yourself.

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6. Devote one day every year to self-care.

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7. And when that day comes, go all out.

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8. Rebrand life to suit your needs.

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9. Figure out a daily routine that works and stick to it.

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10. … Even if it gets a bit repetitive.

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11. Win every bet you ever partake in… By betting on every possible option.

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12. Keep your vocabulary interesting.

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13. Keep your friends organized in lists.

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14. Use Beyoncé as a frame of reference to describe everything.

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15. Hold on to a spirit of creative entrepreneurship.

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Other investment ideas include: “Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”

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16. If someone farts during a heart attack, cope by referring to their medical condition as a “fart attack.”

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17. Have no shame.

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18. Be willing to make sacrifices for the things you care about.

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19. Streamline the dating process by having a comprehensive list of dating Oh No Nos.

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20. Know your self worth.

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21. Be a trend-setter.

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22. Tweak your household appliances for maximum partying efficiency.

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23. Install imaginary snooze buttons into anyone you find boring. Never be bored again.

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24. Do what it takes to sparkle.

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25. Have someone pre-instructed to clear your browser history in case of emergency.

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26. Take a laid back professional approach.

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27. Keep track of your friends.

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28. Work a little, so you can ball a lot.

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29. Never forget where you’re from.

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30. And don’t be afraid to celebrate yourself.

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