2. Line your shoes with red carpeting to lead a glamorous life.
3. Use your pop culture knowledge to seem like an expert on anything.
4. When life hands you lemons, take it as a cue to party.
5. Even when you’re looking out for other people, remember to look out for yourself.
6. Devote one day every year to self-care.
9. Figure out a daily routine that works and stick to it.
11. Win every bet you ever partake in… By betting on every possible option.
14. Use Beyoncé as a frame of reference to describe everything.
15. Hold on to a spirit of creative entrepreneurship.
Other investment ideas include: “Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”
16. If someone farts during a heart attack, cope by referring to their medical condition as a “fart attack.”
18. Be willing to make sacrifices for the things you care about.
19. Streamline the dating process by having a comprehensive list of dating Oh No Nos.
22. Tweak your household appliances for maximum partying efficiency.
23. Install imaginary snooze buttons into anyone you find boring. Never be bored again.
25. Have someone pre-instructed to clear your browser history in case of emergency.
- The top U.S. commander In Afghanistan called the hospital bombing that killed 22 people "a mistake." ›