1. Bayside has an extensive collection of obstacle course equipment.
Rubber tires, monkey bars, ropes courses, jousting equipment… they even have their own ROTC program. But that’s what you’ll need to train an elite squadron of picture-puzzle solving, pineapple upside-down cake baking super soldiers.
2. Bayside has an unusually high population of nerds
Pocket-protector protectors don’t invent themselves… and neither do high-tech military weapons.
3. Slater’s father is a high-ranking officer in the military
Ever wonder why Bayside was the first school Slater stayed in for more than 6 months?
4. Kelly’s father is a defense contractor
…that is, until world peace broke out.
6. The gang competes to be the most American
The 4th of July means 50%-off sales at all major department stores? Go back to Russia, Lisa. This is Miss Liberty.
7. Bayside teaches courses on brainwashing your friends…
Didn’t they use a Bo Revere tape in The Manchurian Candidate?
8. …and provides hands-on experience in wire-tapping
The missing 18 minutes of the Watergate tapes is really just Kelly debating who to take to the Girls’ Choice Dance.
9. Bayside trains you how to go undercover…
Screech’s many costumes (Sinead O’Connor, Barbara Bush, a giant hot dog, etc.) were ideal for any stealth operation behind enemy lines.
10. …and how to operate under high-stress situations
We all know where *this* is going.
11. Bayside sits on top of a large oil reserve
Nothing says military-industrial complex like a school board-approved, no-bid contract with CalStar Oil, am I right?
12. Bayside owns a conveyor belt
Because how else can you mass produce spaghetti sauce, Buddy Bands, and semi-automatic assault rifles?
13. Bayside kidnaps brilliant ex-Soviet chess players
Spassky Bishop Block, or some kind of post-Cold War, Soviet Operation Paperclip?
14. It doesn’t take much to convince NASA that aliens are at Bayside
Lt. Thompson already knows Area 51 is somewhere between The Max, The Attic, and the Malibu Sands Beach Club.