17 Cooking Projects Ain’t Nobody Got Time For

Listen, I love that you love to glue individual sprinkles into mosaics on cupcakes. But some of us, well…we have other dreams.

1. Convincing these macarons to dangle off the edge of a cake:

Sick cantilever, bro.

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2. Deliberately disguising this cupcake to look like a hamburger:

Cupcakes, I’m sorry, but you’re over, and you need to come to terms with that. Rebranding is no longer an option.

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3. Separately dyeing these strands of pasta different colors in order to achieve a C.R.E. (Cheerful Rainbow Effect) when combined in one bowl:






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4. Piping 17,000 pink frosting ruffles onto this cake:

What the recipe fails to explain is why I would bother to do this when I could be piping them straight into my mouth.

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5. Crafting these tiny-teeny microscopic Pop-Tarts:

LOL, cool, so glad you spent 18 hours on something it will take me 15 seconds to stuff in my face.

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6. Applying stamp messages to these marshmallows that are inexplicably impaled on straws:


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7. Baking five different cake layers in five different colors and then carefully slicing and arranging them so as to create one super-creepy clown cake:

Is this for children? Do you realize a) how little they will appreciate your painstaking application of food coloring and b) how goddamn scary that clown is?

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8. Layering 1 million Jell-O flavors to create this monstrosity:

In the time it takes you to make this, you could also:

- write a novel
- raise a child
- learn Swedish
- go to the moon and bring back some cool moon rocks
- write a second novel, this time in Swedish

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9. Inserting tiny fragments of bacon and arugula into the scooped-out halves of grape tomatoes:

Do you need me to make you a real, normal BLT sandwich in order to understand why this is annoying? Because I’ll do it.

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10. Whatever’s happening here:

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11. Arranging carefully trimmed cubes of stuff into this cubical salad:

The paradox is this: If you eat so much as a cube, the cumulative cubularity will be irreparably harmed. This can only end in tears.

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12. Filling these miniature suspended-in-space ice cream cones with tomatoes and cheese:




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13. Going to extreme lengths to make this cake look like a fish:

Oh, Martha, you charmer.

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14. Mixing six different bread doughs in order to achieve this:

Is this edible? Are you sure? On a scale of one to totally, how sure would you say you are?

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15. Obstructing access to this cake with an enormous icing flower and weird stripes:

A cake is a gift in itself! Begone with your frippery and your weird, waxy-tasting icing.

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16. Rolling cream cheese and pineapple into this “waffle breakfast sushi”:


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17. Hiding candy inside these elaborately constructed piñata cookies:

Do you want to know how many steps there are in this how-to slideshow? 30. There are 30 steps. Do you want to know how many steps there are in purchasing and eating a bag of piñata-free M&M’s? Two.

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All together now!

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