Food

17 Cooking Projects Ain’t Nobody Got Time For

Listen, I love that you love to glue individual sprinkles into mosaics on cupcakes. But some of us, well…we have other dreams.

1. Convincing these macarons to dangle off the edge of a cake:

Sick cantilever, bro.

2. Deliberately disguising this cupcake to look like a hamburger:

Cupcakes, I’m sorry, but you’re over, and you need to come to terms with that. Rebranding is no longer an option.

3. Separately dyeing these strands of pasta different colors in order to achieve a C.R.E. (Cheerful Rainbow Effect) when combined in one bowl:

THEY

ALL

TASTE

THE

SAME.

4. Piping 17,000 pink frosting ruffles onto this cake:

What the recipe fails to explain is why I would bother to do this when I could be piping them straight into my mouth.

5. Crafting these tiny-teeny microscopic Pop-Tarts:

LOL, cool, so glad you spent 18 hours on something it will take me 15 seconds to stuff in my face.

6. Applying stamp messages to these marshmallows that are inexplicably impaled on straws:

goodbye

7. Baking five different cake layers in five different colors and then carefully slicing and arranging them so as to create one super-creepy clown cake:

Is this for children? Do you realize a) how little they will appreciate your painstaking application of food coloring and b) how goddamn scary that clown is?

8. Layering 1 million Jell-O flavors to create this monstrosity:

In the time it takes you to make this, you could also:

- write a novel
- raise a child
- learn Swedish
- go to the moon and bring back some cool moon rocks
- write a second novel, this time in Swedish

9. Inserting tiny fragments of bacon and arugula into the scooped-out halves of grape tomatoes:

Do you need me to make you a real, normal BLT sandwich in order to understand why this is annoying? Because I’ll do it.

10. Whatever’s happening here:

11. Arranging carefully trimmed cubes of stuff into this cubical salad:

The paradox is this: If you eat so much as a cube, the cumulative cubularity will be irreparably harmed. This can only end in tears.

12. Filling these miniature suspended-in-space ice cream cones with tomatoes and cheese:

?

??

???

13. Going to extreme lengths to make this cake look like a fish:

Oh, Martha, you charmer.

14. Mixing six different bread doughs in order to achieve this:

Is this edible? Are you sure? On a scale of one to totally, how sure would you say you are?

15. Obstructing access to this cake with an enormous icing flower and weird stripes:

A cake is a gift in itself! Begone with your frippery and your weird, waxy-tasting icing.

16. Rolling cream cheese and pineapple into this “waffle breakfast sushi”:

:(

17. Hiding candy inside these elaborately constructed piñata cookies:

Do you want to know how many steps there are in this how-to slideshow? 30. There are 30 steps. Do you want to know how many steps there are in purchasing and eating a bag of piñata-free M&M’s? Two.

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