If Fifty Shades Of Grey Was Told In Friends Episodes

Pilot: The One Where Everyone Endlessly Mocks the Movie, Then Goes to See It Anyway

1. The One Where The Sick Roommate is a Million Times Hotter Than the Main Character (Even When She’s Sick)

Wonder how the movie would've turned out if she sucked it up and did the interview...

2. The One With The Incredibly Rude and Tension-Filled Interview

Ana: Are you gay?

Christian: NO.

3. The One Where Christian Cancels the Rest of his Appointments so he can Learn More About Ana

Christian: I'd like to know more about you...

Ana: There's not much to tell...I'm kinda boring.

4. The One Where Christian Stops at the Hardware Store and Makes Rope and Tape Sound Sexual

And Ana, being the oblivious virgin, keeps biting her lip but picks up on absolutely nothing.

"Would you like some overalls with that?"

5. The One With the Just-Kinda-Awkward Photo Shoot

Photographer: Can we try one with a smile?

Christian: (gives a smoldering glare with his unchanged stony expression)

Photographer: Or not...

6. The One Where Ana Loses Her Drunk-Dial Virginity

Clearly, the poor girl has never done this before.

7. The One Where The Best Friend Tries to Confess His Feelings But Gets Shoved Aside

Sorry Jose. Christian's obviously Andrew McCarty, and you're obviously the "Duckie" of the movie. Or should I say El Pato?

8. The One Where We Finally See Christian Grey Shirtless and it’s Dissapointing

Of all people, they couldn't have picked a better-looking guy to play Christian Grey? THIS GUY HAS FREAKING WARTS ON HIS CHEST!

9. The One Where Christian Makes a Contract Which Will Never be Signed

First, I need your written consent. I won't touch you until I do!

I promise, you'll like it once you try it!

So...have you signed it yet?

10. The One Where Ana Sees Christian’s S&M Playroom on The First Date

Wow, whips and feathers. You must do some hardcore stuff in here!

11. The One With the Shocking Virginity Confession

(Gasp!) ANA'S A VIRGIN?! Biggest shocker of the movie so far.

12. The One Where the Situation is Immediately Rectified

But...what happened to written consent?!

Guess it's not needed...she was clearly saving herself for this all along.

13. The One With All The Mulling Over a Contract

Always helps to do your research...and maintain a professional but slightly sexual tone throughout the entire negotiation.

14. The One With the Ice Play

He's dragging an ice cube across her bellybutton. Oh, baby. Give it to me harder.

15. The One With The Sexually-Charged Negotiations

(Gasp!) He crossed out anal fisting right when she asked him to! See how sweet and understanding he is?

16. The One With the Playroom Test

Of course, you need to test-drive the car before you buy it...

17. The One Where Ana Has Her Very First Orgasm

Ana: Well, what do I get out of this?

Christian: You get me!

18. The One With Christian’s Tragic Backstory

"I was her submissive for six years..."

19. The One Where Ana Meets the Parents

Just like normal people!

20. The One With the Spanking

"You need to be punished..."

21. The One With the Hot Graduation Speaker

"Congrats on graduating! By the way, have you signed my S&M contract yet? Don't forget to introduce me to your parents!

22. The One With More Spanking

This plot might get just a little repetitive...

23. The One Where Christian Follows Ana to Georgia

He missed her so much he used a GPS to track her (again)! How sweet is he?

24. The One Where they go on a Helicopter Ride and Everything’s all Better

This is SO much more...

But wait, you're still a jerk.

25. The One With The Sad Piano Songs

Almost as sad as Smelly Cat...

But no, not even close.

26. The One Where Ana Says “Do Your Worst” Followed by The One With the Harder Spanking

Can't think of anything worse than that...

27. The One Where Ana’s Finally Had Enough and Says “Bye Felicia.”

Followed by The One Where a Review Calls This Movie "About as Stimulating as a Cold Shower."