14 Reasons To Give A Book

The holidays are a wonderful time to reflect on the joys of friends and family and/or a seemingly endless series of impossible and stressful decisions. Well, to make that endless series of impossible decisions a little easier, just remember a simple rule: A Book is Better. I know, there are some very cool other gifts out there, but a book is better. Here are 14 reasons to give a book this holiday season.

14. Rectangles Are Easy to Wrap

"Why? Why would I do this to myself?! I don't like anybody enough to go through this."

13. No Assembly Required

"What is the point of the Allen Wrench!?...What is the point of anything?"

12. They Don't Break the First Few Times You Use Them

"Well, the 3 minutes before it broke were chock full of whimsical fun."

11. You Never Need to House Train a Book

"Apparently 'lariat' has a few other technical and troubling definitions."

10. A Book Is One Size Fits All Unlike That Sweatshirt

“Thanks. I’ll wear it whenever I play 'Alice Needs to Get Through a Tiny Door in Wonderland.'”

9. Dad Does Not Need Another Tie

"As adorable as this is, I'm still not, nor will I ever be, an actual Hydra."

8. And If Your Goal Is To Be Passive Aggressive and/or Emotionally Confusing, Well, You Can’t Beat the Right Book. (Not that you’d do such a thing.)

“What? No, Gary, I don’t think you might be a sociopath and, confusingly, that you need to be more assertive in your own self-interest. I just think YOU would really APPRECIATE these books.”

7. You Never Have to Rush Out for Batteries in the Middle of the Night

“Four triple As, a 9-volt, and three of those weird disc watch batteries about the size of a dime. If I am not back as the sun crests the horizon in the East, remember me at my best...Playing peek-a-boo.”

6. "We Don't Allow Books in Our House," Said NO PARENT EVER!

"I'm sorry, but our kids are allergic to the grand panoply of human expression."

5. Books Are Rarely Recalled Due to Safety Hazards

“I got you The Slice N Snuggle, for when the little ones wake up from a nightmare about uneven poster edges.”

4. Inscribing a Book Is Easier Than Monogramming, Well, Anything

"You should see the other guy. The other guy is a monogrammed sock. A. Monogrammed. Sock."

3. It Is Easier to Mail a Book than a Pony

"Well, at least I can finally use all the 'Pony Express' jokes I've been saving up all these years."

2. You can read it before you give it AND THEY’LL NEVER KNOW!

"Just a second, Gary. I just need to know how it ends."

1. Oh. And...

despite all of our advances in technology, communication, and entertainment, nothing we have invented is quite as able to inspire our imagination, expand the reach of our empathy, move us to tears (sad tears, happy tears, angry tears, even the occasional embarrassed-for-the-character-but-also-kind-of-for-yourself-because-you've-totally-been-there tears), challenge our intellect, keep us up past our bedtime, make us believe in magic and dragons and robots and time travel, transport us to impossible locations, introduce us to unique people, and dazzle us with the beauty humans, with all our flaws, are truly capable of, than a great book. So this year, give a book.