What It's Like To Not Watch "American Horror Story: Coven"

The last witch I cared about was Sabrina.

1. When people say "Supreme" you think of Toddlers and Tiaras.

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Is Jessica Lange the Supreme, Grand Supreme, or Ultimate Grand Supreme? Because Supreme is kind of a tertiary level of success.

2. Hilda, Zelda and Sabrina are the true members of your ideal coven.

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If it's not about a mischievous teen witch and her pals getting into all sorts of high school shenanigans, you are not tuning in.

3. When people talk about Fiona, you picture the princess from Shrek.

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Does Shrek join the coven too? That'd be cool.

4. You don't understand why this TV show is Emma Roberts' most noteworthy role.

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Has everyone forgotten about her stellar performance as Claire in Aquamarine?!

5. When you heard the show revolves around the Salem witch trials, you stopped listening at "Salem", and your mind returned back to Sabrina.

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Salem the cat is probably a more important subject, anyway.

6. When people talk about how the whole cast wears black, all you can think about are the Fall/Winter fashion shows.

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Alexander Wang did the all-black thing too, so you don't understand why it's such a big deal.

7. You're more excited for Evan Peters and Emma Roberts' upcoming marriage than their actual roles in the TV show.

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So. Precious.

And most of all, you're just waiting for Jessica Lange to win the All Ages, Ultimate Grand Supreme pageant.

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The woman could totally kill it in the glitz category.