1. When he realized his daughter was not destined to be the next Da Vinci:
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
2. When he unleashed his inner dialogue, only to be met with disappointment:
When I think out loud, it sounds nothing like Morgan Freeman.
3. When he told everyone who's boss:
I'm not gonna shave my armpits to validate Social Norms. I'll frost the shit out of the tips though. But after that, back off, Social Norms.
4. When he sought to make physicians fashion-forward:
They should make fingerless latex gloves. For stylish doctors.
5. When dressing his daughter got weird:
LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!
6. When he perfectly summed up Mike Huckabee's appearance:
Mike Huckabee always looks like he's either on his way to, or just coming back from a tickle fight.
7. When he asked President Obama to address the Zayn issue:
Mr. President: Is there a sustainable, long term plan for carbon reduction? And if so, why would Zayn just leave? https://t.co/1HezPZCUlW
8. When he wanted Kelis to hold up her end of the bargain:
I'm in the yard. I'd like a milkshake. I've done my part.
9. When he made scientific jargon easy to understand:
I'm no scientist, but theories on "multidimensional para-physical phenomena" seem to hold up fine if you sub in the phrase, "dat-ass-doe".
10. When he shared his therapist's optimistic advice:
"Remember, life is a swirling galactic black hole which draws in all light and hope, spitting out only gamma-radi-anger." -- My therapist.
11. When Deadpool went to Dollywood:
Curiously, the best thing about a #Deadpool photoshoot, is singing Dolly Parton songs full blast while heavily, HEAVILY armed. Unexpected.
12. When he and his brother were the most precious gang members:
My brother and me. Moments before joining the Hell's Angels.
13. When he shared his diverse passions:
“@deadcooI: favorite guilty pleasure?” Warm gummy bears - but late at night! Hot chocolate with cinnamon marshmallows. Autopsies.
14. When he wanted to acquire one of Zayn's lost locks:
Love to know where the discarded hair is and how it might be purchased. It's not for a friend. It's for me. https://t.co/1cCcd3ECcL
15. When he experimented with something new:
I tried blinking for the first time today and I totally get it now.
16. When he took the tough approach to parenting:
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
17. When app usage became akin to time travel:
I love Words With Friends. Because once you start playing, the next time you look up, another Olympics has come and gone.
18. When he learned to craft the douchiest cocktail:
Just saw a video on CNBC: How to make a $1,000 Mint Julep. The secret is just a hint of orange zest - and a splash of total fucking asshole.
19. When he yearned for a pet more exotic than a golden retriever:
If I had my own wild dolphin, we'd have tickle fights. Even though according to most wild dolphins, that's a dick move.
20. When he asked President Obama this pressing question about the White House lawn:
Mr. President: Is it true the White House lawn isn't grass - but in fact, human hair? https://t.co/1HezPZCUlW
Thank you, Ryan. You're as funny as you are beautiful.
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