1. When he wished life was one giant game of Mario Kart:
I wish banana peels had the same effect on people wiping out in real life as they do in cartoons.
2. When he was all of us finding out our fave artist dropped a new beat:
Too hot in Dallas to get off the bus- wait drake dropped a song? *awkwardly runs inside for wifi*
3. When he tried to awaken his inner pop diva:
Sometimes at the mall I go into a Yankee candle store just to hang by the white candles and pretend I'm Mariah Carey.
4. When his acne turned up harder than spring breakers in Cancun:
this zit has been having an afterparty on my face for like 3 days- looks like a rager.
5. When times got tough:
Some days you are the bug and some days your are the windshield.
6. When he experienced ~true hardship:~
Getting the front wheels of a roomservice cart over the bump in the door of my hotel room feels like a mortal man trying 2 life thors hammer
7. When he longed for that non-cell phone life:
I kind of envy my dad's life most cause he didn't have to worry about whether he remembered to charge his phone at night.
8. When he wasn't about ranch or balsamic:
"What kind of salad dressing would you like on that" me: "uh buffalo sauce?"
9. When he realized that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder:
Sometimes I think like even a holiday inn express had an architect that loved it and poured their heart and soul into its design....
10. When he wanted to be one with his wardrobe:
Some day I hope to have as close a connection with an item of clothing as Indiana jones has with his hat.
11. When he was living in a Celiac's paradise:
You won't believe the thread count on these quinoa sheets I'm gonna sleep on #glutenfreedreams
12. When he tried to get in touch with nature:
I wonder what's the last thought of a salmon swimming upstream before it jumps into a bears mouth.
13. When he felt for the peasants who never knew Burt's Bees:
What happened in the Middle Ages before Chapstick existed, like you just died from chapped lips at some point?
14. When he just wanted to exit the conversation:
my life is a permanent group text that i cannot get out of.
15. When there was no justice in this world:
my therapist validates feelings but not parking.
16. When Helvetica had no place in his dreams:
Just wanna see my name in the Jurassic park font on a biz card some day 🙏🏻
17. When his life never loaded:
My brain is always buffering...
18. When couldn't put a Pinterest fail into words:
there should be a word 4 when u follow the exact instructions for something on the internet & urs turns out looking nothing like the photo.
19. When his soul was like a Starbucks beverage:
I order venti size coffees but I have trenta sized dreams.
20. When he sought to start a new beauty trend:
What color should I dye my unibrow?
21. And when he realized he'd probably be less badass than Captain America in the Marvel universe:
My superpower would definitely be walking into a room to get something and having forgotten why I walked into the room.
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