1. When she awakened the hacker in all of us:
I'm 99% sure that everyone's password is pen15club
2. When she had just about enough of Minions:
I'm writing the next minions movie. It's a drama and "Kevin" dies in the first five minutes.
3. When she refused to raise cyber bullies:
My kids aren't gonna be allowed to post comments online until they're self-sufficient.
4. When she pitched the film of a generation:
Millennial movie idea: thief steals a girl's precious iPhone 6+ and will not return unless she gets him 1M non-bot followers by end of day
5. When she outdid all celeb baby names:
Gonna name my firstborn Vine Star
6. When her cat and Ellen Degeneres were basically twins:
I swear I just looked at my cat and saw Ellen Degeneres. Same eyes
7. When she decided that the world of sports should revolve around basketball:
Hockey should be called ice basketball. Soccer: grass basketball.
8. When she wasn't a fan of the reclined pigeon:
I've skipped yoga every day for the past year
9. When she had a lil R&R:
Unwinding by watching the Kate Plus 8 kids whack a piñata
10. When she achieved the impossible:
I just put on Spanx and disappeared
11. When she discovered she had a type:
i'm oddly attracted to hot people. it's so weird.
12. When she coined this catchphrase:
Grow up before you make me throw up
13. When she beat Raven Symone at her own game:
No but I'm actually so raven
14. When she became a fashion critic:
People who think it's ok to wear pajamas outside also think it's ok to own really shitty pajamas.
15. When she sought to become the next Marina Abramovic:
I wanna do a performance art piece where I have all my friends walk like mindless robots through a Gap
16. When nature outdid Skrillex:
Walked outside and the birds were singing dubstep
17. When perfect was a little too perfect:
One time I met a single guy with a clean apartment and art on his walls. I immediately called the police.
18. When she longed for social media in her formative years:
i wish i had twitter in high school so i could've spent those years posting meaningful lyrics and updates like "bummed" or "i hate gym"
19. When she gave props to MJ:
Michael Jackson must've felt soo confident that his album was good to name it Bad.
20. And when she found the key to a successful marriage:
if no one at your wedding can breakdance, you'll get a divorce
You rock, don't ever change.
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