1. When she experienced a crisis of self:
May I please explode? Or, what are my options for becoming a wave in the sea? Can I be a popcorn soon? How do I sign up to be a mouse?
2. When she realized women and literature could only lead to cannibalism:
books are dangerous&they do fill ladies heads w all sorts of notions&thats why Im going to eat your heart&im not sorry that Im an animal etc
3. When Dwayne Johnson stole her heart:
I love "The Rock"so much in a v real way&Im watching a movie where ppl call him "big boy"& he also calls himself "big boy" as well&I love it
4. When Etsy almost got the best of her:
I know I should not buy something called "Boho hippie denim vest w embroidery size large" on etsy but it's v hard to not.
5. When she almost shared an emotional moment with an artichoke:
Just ate an artichoke's heart, threw the rest in the trash&wanted to whisper NOW U KNOW HOW I FEEL but couldn't talk bc I was chugging soda
6. When she experienced the beauty of nature:
Just walked down the street and hooted like an owl and I don't know why I did it but im so glad I did. Life CAN work!
7. When she was not ashamed to have feelings for a cartoon dog:
Oh darnit I immediately remember that I'm attracted to Pongo the Dalmation from 101 Dalmations ITS WHAT IT IS
8. When braids and beards were just not meant to be:
Just saw a man w a really long braid on the end of his beard and I guess I just feel that we're all really fucked up& it's tough
9. When her anxiety was on the same level as an enraged Willow Rosenberg:
My anxiety is a powerful witch w a lot to prove
10. When she mastered adulthood:
I ruined some food that I cooked, my skin is crazy& I just found a spoon in my bed WHO IS JENNY SLATE
11. When only birds knew how to treat a lady right:
There are male birds who spend years on their nests&decorate them w flowers just 2 please the females HUMAN MALES SHOULD EAT WORMS&BE BIRDS
12. When she discovered her design aesthetic:
No joke, watermelons are the most gorgeous and I would decorate my whole home in watermelon stuff if it wasn't obvs a cry for mental help
13. When she saw the devil:
Watching nature doc, Flamingo chicks r so cute but adult flamingoes have red eyes maraschino-style& it's just like TRICKED U WELCOME 2HELL
14. When she made this important PSA about '90s hearthrobs:
Watching doc about the Backstreet Boys &just want to say that maybe I'm 17 years too late but actually Kevin is the hot one, not Brian byeee
15. When Mary J topped the charts of her heart:
Not to brag, but I'm aware of a fair amount of music. Knowing that, PLS take it seriously when I say NOBODY BETTER THAN MARY J BLIGE
16. When she accurately described the world wide web:
Internet is a vibrant, creative meadow and also an infinitely deepening cess pool of everyone's relentless emotional projections NITE NITE
17. When her audience was less than impressed:
I was just dancing lip-synching to "Rocket" by Beyoncé & I swear one of my dogs looked at the other & rolled his eyes HATERS DONT GET TREATS
18. When she made an important purchase:
Just bought some yoga pants that are described as "high waist, loose fit" so I guess what I'm going for is "sex isn't important to me"
19. When the weather had her feeling some kind of way:
Santa Anna winds are makin this lil witch feel like a big bubbling cauldron of the stuff that gets dumped on yr dome on 90's Nickelodeon
20. And when she described the most sacred bond:
Sometimes I love people so much that I want to be a cartoon w them
Please never stop tweeting.
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