1. When there was only one way to conquer cleaning:
5 mins ago i was in the mood to nap but now i'm cleaning my room blasting nicki minaj while rapping along and moving in irregular positions
2. When the moon jacked his style:
the moon has been so big, shiny, and cute lately. it needs to stop copying me
3. When his dreamscape did great things for his social media career:
in my dream last night there was an apocolypse leading to the end of the world and i'm so mad because my live tweets during it were SO good
4. When every cloud had a rose gold lining:
losing my iphone was king of a blessing because that new rose gold iphone is so my aesthetic like it's calling my name
5. When he got employed:
occupation: being a shady queen
6. When he just needed a few simple things:
someone please text me i'm so bored and lonely also send me ten thousand dollars on paypal too if you're down
7. When Amazon failed to deliver:
where do i buy an invisibility cloak do they sell them on amazon yet
8. When he tweeted out these words of encouragement:
today is probably going to suck and if it does you can make it better by being a boss ass bitch so be a boss ass bitch c'mon you got this
9. When he refined his dance moves to "High By the Beach":
if you need me i'll be in my room pole dancing on my imaginary stripper pole to all of lana del rey's honeymoon
10. When he was an old soul for all the wrong reasons:
i always have a headache and i'm always hungry and i'm always ready for a nap when did i turn into a dying and crippling 83 year old
11. When he yearned for a time before iPhones:
i love nice phone calls why don't people call other people anymore i feel like i'm in an early 2000s teen romcom movie whenever i have one
12. When Snapchat needed to get its shit together:
i spent 6 minutes looking for the puking rainbow snapchat filter but they removed it there's basically no reason for me to be alive anymore
13. When he didn't know which freakum dress to put on for Beyday:
it's beyoncé's birthday and i don't even have an outfit planned for today what am i going to wear
14. When he stated that virtual pets and besties should never be treated the same:
why are you so surprised that i kicked you out of my life when you treated me like a forgotten tamagotchi pet
15. When he shared his romance goals:
i hope my future lover is out there liking and thirsting in the comments on my insta selfies right now but i just haven't noticed them yet
16. When packing lightly meant taking a walk on the wild side:
if i leave the house with ONLY my house keys and NOT my denim backpack full of secrets i carry with me EVERYWHERE you KNOW i'm feeling saucy
17. And when all he wanted was some unagi and a little love:
current needs: sushi and a hug
Stay sassy ✌️
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