Every Fork In My Apartment, Ranked

I own 7 forks. Here's how they stack up.

Pat Kearnan

These are the forks. They are all different. They each have their own unique qualities and features. But which is the best? Here's the definitive ranking.

7. This one

Pat Kearnan

This is by far the worst fork. It's very thin and flat. It has no personality and it's not even very shiny. I don't trust this fork at all. I should probably just throw it away but it's good to have backup forks just in case.

6. This one

Pat Kearnan

This fork has a reinforced handle, which is cool if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. I think it's a distraction. The part you put in your mouth is too wide and it curves up too much. It also has bent prongs. I thought about making this the worst fork, but it won points for sticking out among the others. So instead it's only the second worst fork.

5. This one

Pat Kearnan

This fork is the slightly more attractive cousin of the worst fork. They almost look like they could be the same type of fork, but they're not. This fork has more aesthetic prongs. It also says "Thunder Group" on the back. The biggest downside to this fork is that it's very flimsy. I have to be careful when using it or it might bend, and I don't want to spend the whole meal worrying about my fork.

4. This one

Pat Kearnan

This fork combines potential with some key flaws. It has a sturdier handle with a cool trim, but it has bent prongs. It's also the smallest of all the forks, so it has a smaller range than all the other forks. I could maybe overlook the size if it had better prongs, but it doesn't.

3. This one

Pat Kearnan

The bronze of the 2015 Forklympics goes to this guy. Simple and sturdy, this fork provides no-frills reliability. The leftmost prong is all scratched near the top, which gives it a unique personality. This fork has been through some stuff.

2. This one

Pat Kearnan

If I were ranking fork sexiness instead of overall quality, this fork would definitely be at the top. With its long handle and slender prongs, this fork is the supermodel of the bunch. But it still comes up just shy of the best fork in my apartment.

1. This one

Pat Kearnan

This is the King of the Forks. Stylish, sturdy, elegant, utilitarian, handsome, shiny - these are only a few of the words that come to mind when I look at this fork. This fork can attack any meal with unparalleled deftness. It is perfect in every way. This is the best fork in my apartment.