Dear Silly Celebrity Moms,
Hi, it’s me again. Jen, the opinionated one. Or, as my friend, Tina will someday call me: The Jeneral.
I know, I know. I can’t stop harping on you guys, but you just keep putting your bat shit crazy out there and I can’t help myself. I just have a few suggestions for you and then I’ll go back to ranting and raving about minivans and elves.
OK, to start with - can we please, please, please just stop with the semi-naked pregnancy pictures (or post-multiples pregnancy, crazy Nadya Suleman)? I simply cannot stand to look at another (obviously airbrushed) magazine cover of you guys in all your glory. No one looks good. Not even Demi Moore looked that great and she’s pretty banging, so the rest of you look fairly revolting. Please, I beg you, stop posing nude when you’re pregnant (or not attractive, Nadya) and unleashing that shit on the world. (“My eyes!) Get your attention fix some other way - for instance, start a blog, I find that works for me.
Also, it’s bad enough when the young actresses are doing this, but when you trot your sad, desperate ass out and release an old nude pregnancy Polaroid of yourself (on your grown son’s birthday - Happy Birthday, Sweetie! Ewww.), I just want to smack you. I’m talking to you, Kris Jenner! At least you weren’t airbrushed, but that actually backfired, because everyone else is and so you looked especially bad. I’ll give you props for working the granny panties, though.
The next strange thing I’d like to address is the new phenomenon of “Silverstoning.” You know, when you chew up your baby’s food and tongue him down with the paste that you make. I know the video has been everywhere, but in case you missed how Momma Bear feeds Baby Bear, here you go:
A lot has been said about this parenting technique and I’m ready to add my two cents. WTF? Don’t you own a blender and a spoon, Alicia? You’re not a cave dweller without modern day tools. There is no reason to chew up your food and spit it into your child’s mouth! (Actually, it looks a little too close to French kissing for my taste. I wish you’d just stand back and spit, it would make me feel less icky when I watch the video.)
You’re worried about what your baby eats? You want to make your own baby food? Fine. No problem. Just do what everyone else does! Get out your blender or buy the Baby Bullet and puree the hell out of your vegan feast and then take a spoon and feed it to your child. Also, some of us like to feed our children at the table. Maybe you don’t care, but I’m not as wealthy as you are and can’t replace my couch when the kid urps chewed up avocado on it. My children don’t spew food anymore and they still aren’t allowed to eat on the couch.
I digress. Let me get back to my point, you’ve already done a pretty good job screwing him up by naming him Bear, please don’t feed him like an animal too.
Next up is January Jones and her placenta eating fetish.
When you’re pregnant, the first book someone hands to you is What to Expect When You’re Expecting. There is a chapter in there about weird food cravings. They cover the basics like pickles and ice cream and whatnot. Tucked away is a strange chapter about the preggos who want to eat dirt and soap. I do not remember the chapter about wanting to eat your placenta after the baby is born, dirt was as weird as it got.
I have a crunchy mom friend who reads this blog. She is a chiropractor and a doula. If anyone I know would eat her own placenta it would be this girl. The other day I was in her office being forced into a human pretzel and I asked her if she ever ate her placenta. It could be my imagination, but I think she almost broke my arm when I asked her. “Are you crazy?!” she asked. “Of course not, Jen. That’s nuts!”
So there you go, if my crunchy friend thinks it’s nuts, then it must be fucking bonkers.
I read about the procedure and I have to say it’s not as gross as you’d think. The placenta is cooked, dried out and ground up into capsules - much a like a Tylenol. You just swallow it and go on with your day.
I realize that celebrities aren’t like the rest of us. I think you’d have to be a little crazy to want to be a celebrity and I think being a celebrity would make you a little crazy, so it’s a vicious circle. All I know is that the pressure put on “regular” women to be good moms is tough, I can only imagine what the celebrity moms feel.
The next celebrity mom who comes along has a high bar to get over. She’ll need to pose naked each trimester when she’s pregnant, YouTube the home/water birth live for the world to see, fry up her placenta and eat it like a steak, chew up a few bites of placenta and mouth feed them to the newborn with breast milk, the dad will need to eat a piece too so he can properly bond with the baby, pose naked a week later to show that her body has “bounced” back, practice diaperless potty training and unschooling, and co-sleep with the child until adulthood, oh yeah and then pose naked again at this point to show she’s “still got it.”