25 Things That I Have Never Done (and Will Probably Never Do)

Lamentations for the lives unlived.

1.

I have never played cricket.

2. I have never owned four cats.

These cats are friends, but not with me.

3.

I have never consumed the bladder of an unbroken stallion.

4.

I have never lived inside of an active volcano.

5.

I have never perpetrated murder in the commission of a felony.

6. I have never visited Cedar Rapids, IA

Is this Cedar Rapids? Perhaps. I will never be sure.

7.

I have never jumped a crocodile on a jet ski.

8.

I have never enjoyed a delightful (if overpriced) brunch with heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield.

9.

I have never ridden a white-tailed deer across state lines.

10.

I have never shared joyless, perfunctory coitus with a sitting US President.

11. I have never played bridge

What card game is this? Is it bridge? These men know. I do not.

12.

I have never perpetrated murder in the commission of a felony.

13.

I have never given birth in a field.

14.

I have never worn Ugg boots.

15.

I have never fainted at an opera.

16. I have never traded three chickens for a gently-used whetstone.

My stones are all so very dry.

17.

I have never walked calmly away from a shrieking poltergeist.

18.

I have never completed ten successive pull-ups.

19. I have never enjoyed a film by David O Russell

Not for me, Jennifer Lawrence.

20.

I have never perpetrated murder in the commission of a felony.

21.

I have never made my own ice cream.

22.

I have never roamed the land namelessly, using my wisdom and kung-fu to right what is wrong and defend the defenseless.

23.

I have never exited the earth's atmosphere under my own power.

24. I have never beaten Mega Man 3.

Or 1 or 2 or 4.

25.

I have never perpetrated murder in the commission of a felony.