1. Snowball, aka “Puppybutt” aka “Barky McBarkington”
Snowball claims to be a purebred Maltese, although no one has ever seen his papers. When he’s not prancing around the house like flippin’ Little Lord Fauntleroy, he can be found barking at absolutely nothing.
2. Larry the Long-haired Dachshund
Larry rose to household prominence after a much-deserved surprise attack on the resident cat. His love of leg-humping has generated more than 30 nicknames, many of them phallic in nature.
3. George IV, Purebred King Charles Caviler
English gentleman he is not. Leaving a trail of broken hearts and illegitimate puppies, George leads a true caviler lifestyle. He wouldn’t think twice about claiming your bed, couch, or vintage Air Jordan’s as his own.
4. Marcel Marceau, Miniature Poodle
Marcel lives up to his title of second-most intelligent dog breed. He’ll not only trick you into letting him sit in the leather chair while you curl up on the rug, but also have you believing picking up his crap is an honor.
5. Mr. Bones the Pughuahua
The self-proclaimed emperor of 3rd and Vine. Recognized by his rancid breath and loud snort-like breathing, Mr. Bones recently led a successful raid on the alley dumpster, digging up two halibut fish skins and rolling on them simultaneously.
6. Nacho, aka “Danger Dog”
This little bandito proves you don’t have to be French to have an attitude. Skinny and street-wise, Nacho hails from Tijuana, Mexico. He ignores basic commands and often marks his territory indoors.
7. Winston the Cockapoo
There’s a reason you’ve never seen a “Beware of Cockapoo” sign. Despite his vicious looks, Winston is more lover than fighter. The only attack he ever launched was on a goose down pillow. It ended in a draw.
8. A Lazy Pug Named Lilliput
Apathetic and gluttonous, Lilliput thinks he is entitled to every morsel of food in the house. He sleeps between 16 and 18 hours a day. The only time you’ll see him move fast is when he drops a stink bomb and leaves you behind to suffocate.
9. Otis the Boston Terrier
As a puppy, Otis created an uproar by accidentally whizzing on the Bunker Hill monument. Since then, he has been relegated to local parks and backyard BBQs. For a small dog, he’s got a big bark. Especially when it comes to Yankees fans.