1. If you can’t grow a beard, don’t grow a beard.
Patchy facial hair will always end up looking prickly and slovenly. Time to stop experimenting with the facial hair and start adhering to your clean-shaven regimen.
2. Instead of a standard Hanes T-shirt, put on a henley.
You can unbutton the neck for a better neckline (especially if you’re wearing it underneath another shirt), they tend to have a slimmer fit, and you can roll the sleeves up all effortless and casual-like.
3. Opt for slimmer jeans.
They don’t have to be SKINNY jeans, but a more body-conforming pair of denim will go a long way to making you look leaner and taller. They shouldn’t cut off your blood circulation — buy a pair of skinny jeans and size up. Then, find a tailor to take in the waist. Or, just go to a tailor and see if they’re willing to update your current jeans.
Three more basic rules: Darker is better, a leg opening of 14”–16” is ideal, and go for a mid-rise. Low-rise jeans will make your legs look shorter.
4. Clean those fingernails and keep ‘em trimmed.
Getting stabbed with someone’s toe talons in bed is like, the biggest boner killer ever.
5. Moisturize that dead, flaky skin away.
If you have serious flaking issues, exfoliate before you moisturize. This includes areas of your body, like your weird sandpaper elbows — not just your face.
6. A simple swap: Trade in your Axe body spray for a keen-smelling deodorant.
Not only does Axe smell like a seventh-grade boys’ locker room, but it looks tacky in your bathroom. Forgo the body spray or cologne altogether and rely on your deodorant instead. It’ll enhance, not cover up, your natural smell.
7. Ditch the white socks.
They look chunky and awkward. Black trouser or crew socks are where it’s at.
8. No tennis shoes unless you’re at the gym.
They don’t really go with your new drawer full of black socks, anyway.
9. Treat that bacne.
Get some tea tree oil body wash, or try some activated charcoal soap, and go over your back with a loofah or sponge in the shower. It’s that easy!
10. Clean up the stray hairs between your eyebrows.
Consider it very basic maintenance. Pluck your unibrow, and if you happen to be cursed with the ever-sprouting mole hair, tweeze that shit too.
11. Important: Trim your nose hair.
But use a trimmer, not tweezers. Plucking your nose hairs can lead to the most painful ingrown hairs you’ll ever experience.
12. Don’t let your mustache grow past your top lip, or curl near your mouth.
You don’t want those bedraggled strands all up in your mouth, much less anyone else’s.
13. Shave your neck!
That hair that grows there always seems to look scraggly and unappealing in a spine-tingling sort of way. And don’t forget the back of the neck.
14. Don’t let your shirt creep past your butt.
Even if you’re a bigger guy, a thigh-length shirt-dress is not going to hide what lurks beneath. A long shirt will inevitably swallow you up and look sloppy.
15. For the business-casual set: Forgo your short-sleeved dress shirts for rolled-up long-sleeved ones.
Here is a delightful guide on the *right* way to roll up your sleeves.
16. Stand up straight.
Bad posture will enhance man boobs and make your otherwise well-fitted clothes puff out in weird places. So remember: shoulders down, shoulders back, chin up.
You can also gauge your posture with the pencil test. It’ll tell you if you’re standing up straight, or if you need some work in this department.
17. Own a soft, well-fitting sweater or five.
Preferably one that is so soft and delectable, you want to bury your face in it. That is how people will feel about you when you wear your Special Sweater.
18. Exercise basic hygiene so you don’t emanate disgusting smells.
Brush, floss, scrape your tongue. Sprinkle baking soda in your shoes so they don’t smell like rotting cheese. Take a shower every day, and for crissakes — launder your clothes, don’t just Febreze them.