DIY

31 Impossibly Unrealistic Penis Cakes

That bachelorette party was all fun and games until someone sliced into that coconut-flavored scrotum. NSFW.

1. Scrotums* are (usually) not coated in delicious coconut flakes.

*Alternately, “scrota.”

2. Or beautiful colors of the rainbow.

3. Nor do they wear cute thongs.

4. They don’t grow porcupine quills.

5. Or flesh-colored hedgehog hair.

6. Or soft, pettable fur.

7. The hair does not naturally gather in one place like a bushy little mustache.

8. Nor does it grow in perfectly even tiny squiggles.

9. Peens do not sit delicately in a bed of beautiful blue rosebuds.

10. They do not come gifted with satin bows.

13. Or wear jaunty chef hats.

14. Or funky red sailor pants.

Although they do sometimes give you the side eye and wave hello.

15. A penis will not wish you happiness, at least not verbally.

Although if a penis could talk, it would probably talk in puns.

16. A penis of this size will not actually fit in a human ear.

No matter how stretchy the ear.

17. While veins do sometimes creep up like spindly branches, they are not steel grey.

19. Contrary to popular belief, penises are not amorphous blobs.

22. They do not self-propagate out of mounds.

23. Even if they are zebra print.

24. They don’t have a luminous pearlescent sheen.

25. The human body to penis ratio here is completely OFF.

And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

26. This is not an accurate side profile representation.

27. Nor is this.

Sorry, Janelle.

28. The shading shown here, or chiarascuro if you will, inches closer to realism.

29. As is the veining here created by a very, very delicate hand.

30. Finally, a set of cupcakes that most accurately represents the super fun variety that penises of all shapes and sizes can come in.

 

Erect, not erect, circumcised, uncircumcised. Every penis is unique!

31. And even though condoms are not normally covered in glitter sprinkles (ow!), this will hopefully be your penis of choice.

Safe sex, y’all.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

          
    Now Buzzing