31 Impossibly Unrealistic Penis Cakes

That bachelorette party was all fun and games until someone sliced into that coconut-flavored scrotum. NSFW.

1. Scrotums* are (usually) not coated in delicious coconut flakes.

*Alternately, “scrota.”

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2. Or beautiful colors of the rainbow.

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3. Nor do they wear cute thongs.

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4. They don’t grow porcupine quills.

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5. Or flesh-colored hedgehog hair.

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6. Or soft, pettable fur.

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7. The hair does not naturally gather in one place like a bushy little mustache.

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8. Nor does it grow in perfectly even tiny squiggles.

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9. Peens do not sit delicately in a bed of beautiful blue rosebuds.

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10. They do not come gifted with satin bows.

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13. Or wear jaunty chef hats.

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14. Or funky red sailor pants.

Although they do sometimes give you the side eye and wave hello.

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15. A penis will not wish you happiness, at least not verbally.

Although if a penis could talk, it would probably talk in puns.

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16. A penis of this size will not actually fit in a human ear.

No matter how stretchy the ear.

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17. While veins do sometimes creep up like spindly branches, they are not steel grey.

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19. Contrary to popular belief, penises are not amorphous blobs.

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22. They do not self-propagate out of mounds.

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23. Even if they are zebra print.

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24. They don’t have a luminous pearlescent sheen.

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25. The human body to penis ratio here is completely OFF.

And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

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26. This is not an accurate side profile representation.

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27. Nor is this.

Sorry, Janelle.

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28. The shading shown here, or chiarascuro if you will, inches closer to realism.

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29. As is the veining here created by a very, very delicate hand.

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30. Finally, a set of cupcakes that most accurately represents the super fun variety that penises of all shapes and sizes can come in.


Erect, not erect, circumcised, uncircumcised. Every penis is unique!

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31. And even though condoms are not normally covered in glitter sprinkles (ow!), this will hopefully be your penis of choice.

Safe sex, y’all.

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