The Dream: Talk about having it all. Gadgets, lair, sweet ride, bathing in money, sidekick AND a butler? You wanted it. We all wanted it. We’d even take Robin if it meant we could have the rest.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Spandex makes you itch.
The Dream: Getting down to business, defeating the Huns. You know, the usual.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: You are not, nor will you ever be, as swift as a coursing river. You eat too much pizza.
13. Miss Frizzle
The Dream: CONSTANT SPACE/TIME BENDING FIELD-TRIPS.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Little kids are actually a bunch of dicks.
12. Mia Thermopolis (aka Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries)
The Dream: To be sucked out of your shitty life and given instant wealth, respect, and a really awesome make-over sequence.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Nobody ever actually showed up to reveal that you’re secretly the princess/prince of anywhere, except for maybe somewhere on Foursquare but that doesn’t even count.
11. Inigo Montoya
The Dream: Nobody in the history of ever will posses as much swag and sword-fighting finesse as this dude. Except you, or so you dreamed.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Let’s face it, you would accidentally stab yourself in your own eye before you could avenge anyone.
10. Jack Sparrow
The Dream: High-seas shenanigrandry, unlimited freedom, and the respect you deserve!
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Actual pirates go to jail for, like, a really long time, and most ships these days don’t even have those cool sails on them, so why bother?
9. Abraham Lincoln
The Dream: Four score and seven years ago, Abe Lincoln was the original BAMF, and you’ve known it since 1st grade.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: We are no longer embroiled in a major Civil War, I don’t think. Also stove-pipe hats went out of style. Bummer.
8. A velociraptor from Jurassic Park
The Dream: To be able to rip through your hater’s throats with razor sharp fangs and avoid actually growing up and joining the real world.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: You’re not a dinosaur. I know, life’s rough.
7. Ash Ketchum
The Dream: To be the very best, the best there ever was.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: The closest you could get was dog fighting and none of the dogs would love you as much as Pikachu would.
6. Bill Nye (the Science Guy)
The Dream: Mostly getting to wreck shit and blow things up.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: NOBODY SAID THERE’D BE MATH.
5. Hermione Granger
The Dream: Magical friendship in a magical place with actual magic. Magic.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Your Hogwarts letter never showed up and to be honest we’re all still crying about it.
4. The Ghostbusters
The Dream: Aside from those rockin’ tan jump suits, you mean?
The Soul-Crushing Reality: There are never any ghosts around when you need ‘em.
3. Indiana Jones
The Dream: You were going to travel, kill nazis, discover the riches of the world and absolutely rock a fedora like it was nobody’s business.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Turns out archaeology actually just equals a lot of essay-writing and dusting rocks other people have also already dusted.
2. Luke Skywalker
The Dream: Fighter jets! Droids! Being able to move shit WITH YOUR MIND.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Nobody’s invented actual Lightsabers yet, and if they did you couldn’t afford them.
1. Actually just everyone from Star Wars.
The Dream: They were all awesome.
The Soul-Crushing Reality: Turns out we don’t live in space yet.
- An ultra-Orthodox man stabbed six people at Jerusalem's gay pride parade on Thursday. He has been apprehended.