NBA Celebrity Floor Seat Program

Memorandum From: NBA League Offices To: League affiliates Thanks to everyone who organized the pilot Floor Seat Celebrity™ program! Having successfully completed the pilot with the affiliations between New York Knicks and Spike Lee, and the Los Angeles Lakers with Jack Nicholson, we are ready to go live with full implementation. Effective at the beginning of the 2013-2014 season, here is a list of the initial assignments:

Boston Celtics

Ben Afflack (home games), Matt Damon (away games).

Brooklyn Nets

Chris Christie laughing at their attendance numbers, but pays for two seats.

Philadelphia 76ers

(Note: regrettably, we have found no celebrity willing to affiliate with this franchise. Please forward suggestions to league offices).

Toronto Raptors

Alex Trebek, questioning the referees.

Chicago Bulls

Betty White, looking for love.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Drew Carey, taking sobriety one day at a time

Detroit Pistons

Tim Allen, using his appearances to cross-promote new series “Basketball Dad.”

Indiana Pacers

Bobby Knight, throwing chairs.

Milwaukee Bucks

Bob Uecker. Like Milwaukee, old, tired and run down.

Atlanta Hawks

Ted Turner (Note: must be within five seats of the Atlanta Hawks’ cheerleaders) and Jane Fonda (Note: must have access to the Hawks’ locker room).

Charlotte Bobcats

John Edwards and Mark Sanford, cross-promoting new cause Politicians For Marital Fidelity. (Note: their companions must be scrupulously vetted for age of majority.)

Miami Heat

Pitbull, the national cultural equivalent of the Heat. Will be cross-promoting new line at Brooks Brothers.

Orlando Magic

Casey Anthony (Note: league offices still negotiating length of child stay-away perimeter).

Washington Wizards

Monica Lewinsky, will be cross-promoting new line of blue dresses.

Dallas Mavericks

Matthew McConaughey, shirtless. (Note: have legal review this.)

Houston Rockets

George W. Bush. We have agreed to one (1) mezzanine level concession to sell paintings. (Note: no nudes!)

Memphis Grizzlies

Elvis Presley’s rotting corpse, propped up with peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Graceland Foundation will be cross-promoting new line of cologne.

New Orleans Pelicans

Emeril Lagasse, yelling “Kick it up a notch! Bam!”

San Antonio Spurs

Eva Longoria, looking for love.

Denver Nuggets

Trey Parker, making fart sounds.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Prince, ballin’ with Eddie Murphy’s brother Charlie.

Portland Trail Blazers

Tonya Harding, with a baseball bat.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Daryl, the guy who works night shift at the Kwiki-Mart, the only black guy in Oklahoma City.

Utah Jazz

Willard “Mitt” Romney, who at great length made it abundantly clear to league representatives that he has nothing better to do. Will be cross-promoting new line of unisex magic underwear.

Golden State Warriors

Condi Rice, who is secretly Stephen Curry’s mother.

Los Angeles Clippers

Clint Eastwood, also known as the anti-Nicholson.

Phoenix Suns

Alice Cooper, cross-promoting his new line of Ping golf clubs.

Sacramento Kings

Arnold Schwarzenegger, looking for love.