1. First off, we are doing a TERRIBLE job when it comes to dietary restrictions.
Leviticus 11:4 “Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.”
Translation: We’re not supposed to eat camels (not too hard, I s’pose), rabbits, pigs, etc.
2. Time to cut out the shellfish.
Leviticus 11:10 “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.”
Translation: No oysters! No clams! No… sea urchins, I think?
3. Hopefully nobody’s EATING YOUR PETS.
Leviticus 11:27 “And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.”
Translation: Stop eating kittehs!
4. Or eating… weird-ass animals.
Leviticus 11:28–29 “These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind, and the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.”
Translation: We’re probably all fine, ‘cause nobody wants to eat these things anyway. Except the French. The French with their snails.
5. America is gonna have trouble with the no-fat rule, though.
Leviticus 3:17 “It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat…” (to be continued)
Translation: Slim down, people.
6. Eating blood. BLOOD.
Leviticus 3:17 (continued) “…nor blood.”
Translation: TEAM JACOB! Edward is Satan spawn! Or something. Read into it how you want.
7. Oh, and there’s like, 100 birds we shouldn’t chow down on, either.
Leviticus 11:13–20 “These are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the osprey, and the vulture, and the kite after his kind; every raven after his kind; and the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind, and the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl, and the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat. All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.”
Translation: Shit, OK, fine, geez, NONE of these birds. Message received.
8. Secondly, our fashion is one huge blasphemous abomination to God.
Leviticus 10:6 “Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people.”
Translation: Torn clothes are a no-no. Sorry, every single person who owns a pair of ripped-knees jeans.
9. Thought you were gonna wear your leather jacket over that cotton V-neck? Think again, sinner.
Leviticus 19:19 “Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.”
Translation: Everybody needs to wear single-fabric onesies, just to be safe.
10. After fashion comes personal appearance. Supercuts is about to go straight outta business.
Leviticus 19:27 “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads.”
Translation: Long hair, don’t care!
11. And I hope you ladies like a man with some scruff!
Leviticus 19:27 “Neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”
Translation: “5 o’clock shadow” just became “lifetime shadow.”
12. Tattoos? Forget about it.
Leviticus 19:28 “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.”
Translation: Get your street cred some other way.
13. Some things seem rather harmless, like having a mixed garden.
Leviticus 19:19 “Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed.”
Translation: Everything is a sin nowadays.
14. Or Bichon-Yorkies.
Leviticus 19:19 “Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind.”
Translation: No mixing up animals! Or maybe it’s just cows. What would you breed a cow with anyway? WHY CAN’T THE BIBLE JUST BE LESS CRYPTIC?
15. Other things are sorta bad, I guess. Like revenge.
Leviticus 19:18 “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people.”
Translation: We all need to be the bigger person. But sometimes it’s so harddd!
16. There’s a bunch of things we’re not supposed to touch.
Leviticus 5:2 “If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty.”
Translation: Your bet is as good as mine as to what warrants an “unclean beast.” But I’m guessing your puppy isn’t exactly a clean freak.
17. Some really confuse me. You mean, less church is better?
Leviticus 12:4–5 “And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.”
Translation: Hey, new moms: STAY OUT OF CHURCH. Thirty-three days for bubbly baby boys; 66 days for glowing baby girls.
18. Like, they really confuse me: No alcohol in church. What?!
Leviticus 10:9 “Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.”
Translation: The bazillion people drinking wine as the blood of Christ in church are soooo over this rule.
19. Last but not least: Working on Sundays. The whole NFL is screwed!
Leviticus 23:3 “Six days shall work be done: but the seventh day is the sabbath of rest, an holy convocation; ye shall do no work therein: it is the sabbath of the Lord in all your dwellings.”
Translation: Tebow is done for.
That’s 19 strong, solid rules that just about everybody is following. So let’s reexamine the gays.
Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
Translation: Since all the other rules are being followed so perfectly, shout this one as loudly and as often as you can!