I've been thinking about this for years and after hearing it more than ever, it is time to speak up. I'm skinny, I get it. I can't tell you how many times it has been pointed out to me, girls gush over how they wish they look like me, or are just downright ugly to me because of it. Now I am not on here to brag, quite the opposite. I'm asking you to stop, please stop. To me, telling me I am skinny is pointing out one of my biggest insecurities. It is not ok to say to someone's face that they are fat, so why is it ok to call someone skinny? I'm done hearing "Damn girl, you're skinny!" Do you know why?
Because I wish I looked like you.
I grew up skinny. Let me start with my family. My mother and father are below. I would show you my Nana but I wouldn't see daylight if she found out I had a picture of her so I will tell you a story I remember hearing. My Nana had 4 children and when she got re-married she clocked in at around 100lbs.
My nickname in my family was "Skinny Minnie". They weren't exaggerating by calling me that. My clothes were constantly pinned to fit my body, what fit in length was too big in the waist. At this age you aren't judged about being skinny by your peers but it was something that I was very aware of. I was especially aware the day in Kindergarten when my skirt (pinned as always) fell down right in the middle of the playground. I remember having anxiety as a child that that would happen again and spent several days at recess with my pants or skirt tightly clutched in my fists. No one was seeing my Wednesday panties again.
By the time I hit middle school the other girls in my class started to notice I wasn't developing and gaining weight along with them. One day I made the mistake of answering "How do you stay so skinny" with "I get off the bus and eat a box of mac n cheese for snack". Somewhere around that time I started to get made fun of for being skinny. Soon that line crossed into bullying. My sophomore year of high school was when it was the worst. I spent an entire year sitting in front of a group of girls who would make vomiting noises at me. After an argument over a basketball with a male classmate in gym class (we were supposed to be sharing), I was called a bitch. While this guy was walking around sharing this with the class, a girl decided to chime in "and she's anorexic too." Does that have anything to do with basketball?
Now I don't like to dwell on my school years, but they definitely formed my opinion on what I should look like. Society puts out this image of the super skinny model. I knew so many girls in school who would die to look like a super model and probably still do. With the super skinny model comes the stigma that she has an eating disorder. For most of my life that stigma was attached to me. In school it seemed like it was assumed: Desirae is model skinny, she must throw up her food.
These days, I do not eat healthy by any means, I am almost terrified of exercising (specifically cardio) because I don't want to lose what weight I have managed to put on since high school, a whopping 20lbs. And I worked damn hard to gain and keep that weight on. When my most recent relationship ended, I was more shattered when I lost the 20lbs, than over the relationship. I finally liked the way that I looked and my heart was broken. I felt like I had been shoved back into high school; I felt ugly. Since then I have been trying to gain it all back (it took me nearly 3 years to put it all on in the first place). Here is a more recent photo of me with some friends. You can probably guess who I am. I have gained back around 7 of the 20lbs I lost and I am still not comfortable with the way I look.
The moral of the story: we are all insecure about our bodies. I can't help but get angry with the girls who look at me and say "I wish I were as skinny as you." I want to look at them and say "and I wish I was as normal as you." No one is ever satisfied with their body, that includes me. I've been telling myself the only way I will return to my high school reunion is if I am fat. I have actually said that to a few people.
I thought that after graduating high school I would have graduated the nonsense that went along with it. While girls are more subtle these days than making obvious vomiting noises, I still pick up on it. When I go out to a club I have learned to expect staring and whispers. There are some girls who take it even further as to come over to where I am dancing and try to make me look bad.
Girls, please. I have experienced this way too many times, others have pointed it out to me as well, for it to be in my head. I am just as jealous of you as you are of me. I would KILL for some thighs, they seem like an impossible feat for me. I don't make fun of you or get in your way because I wish I had what you have. I don't even think you realize that I wish I had what you have: curves. I can't say for other skinny girls, but here are some examples of what I would love to look like.
After reading, if you would still like to be super skinny and attain that goal, here are some things you have to look forward to (or what you are already experiencing as a fellow skinny girl):
1. Forever shopping at Forever21: While I am 21 now, I won't be forever. I am already resigned to shopping in a store primarily occupied by 13-year-olds, I don't want to have to do this when I'm 40. Regular women's clothing ALWAYS hang wrong; I work in an office and this poses a dilemma.
2. Altering all or most of your clothing: Finding a good fit for my body is near impossible. I've had a sewing machine that I use to alter my clothes since I was 13.
3. Smaller dating pool: Sure magazines push super skinny but in my experience the number of guys into my body type is significantly less. "I think you have a really pretty face and you would make a great girlfriend, but I just don't want someone skinny." That was said to me.
4. Have fun trying to get in on the flowing clothes trend: I look like I'm wearing a fashionable trash bag anytime I put on anything that is not fitted. Also my arms and legs usually end up looking like twigs, not a good look.
5. Constantly being reminded that you are skinny: I know, point out the obvious some more please.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I want to be accepted just like everyone else. I don't want to be hated on because I am skinny. To all the girls who say they wish they look like me, I think you look perfect, I want to look like you.
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