Does that seem fishy to you? It does to One Direction fans. So an investigation was launched. It seems Eleanor is quite secretive about her personal life, but the One Directioners thought they’d hit upon something interesting when they discovered Clive Calder, co-founder of Jive Records.
Unfortunately, Clive, too, is quite secretive about his personal life. (Hmm, a clue, perhaps?) His son, Keith Calder, however, is not. Keith is an independent movie producer (The Wackness, You’re Next), and quite active on Twitter. One day, two months ago, an intrepid One Directioner tweeted at Keith, asking if he had a sister.
I started getting peppered with “Do you have a sister?” questions, and I ignored them all, in total confusion. Finally I replied asking them why they kept asking me that question and that I’m not going to answer.
Keith’s refusal to answer was undoubtedly a clue. It had to be! With his permission, I decided this was a good time to get involved.
Not being as famous as Keith, my claim required some verification. Here it is.
Naturally, with such sensitive information, I was nervous about talking about it publicly, so the intrepid detectives behind @igossip1D asked if I would follow them so they could DM me.
Sure, why not!
At this point, with such gullible questioners, and curious to see how much they would believe, I’m afraid I really went to town. We had a very long conversation, during which I confided that Louis and Harry had some kind of ceremony last Summer, and that the only reason I was willing to talk was that I had once dated Eleanor, who Louis stole from me, and I wanted some payback.
At some point during this, another friend decided to stoke the flames.
The three of us had a good deal of fun with this, but eventually they left us alone and continued the investigation themselves, looking into every member of Keith’s family that they could locate.
Fast forward to this week, when the detectives published their findings on Tumblr. Instantly, Keith, Casey, and I found ourselves hounded by One Directioners on Twitter.
As is my duty, I played along, my responses getting sillier and sillier, and most of the One Directioners believed literally every word of it. More than 300 One Directioners have followed me since then, and sent me hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of tweets.
This went on for a long time. For about 4 hours I had a constant stream of new mentions. I tried to reply to a lot of them, and was awarded with my first ever Twitter timeout for sending 100 tweets inside an hour.
At some point during this, a One Directioner came clean with some information about Louis and Harry’s secret ceremony. Yes, the one I invented. I decided this was a good time to put an end to the madness.
A lot of them had already figured out, and were quite amused by it for the most part. Some were so impressed that they bestowed such honorifics as “god,” “hero,” and “true nigga” (five different people) on me. But it seems One Direction fans take this Larry/Elounor thing very seriously, and many did not take kindly to my deception.
Not all of them were convinced, suspecting “management” had simply paid me to shut up.
“imma put my dick up your ass for this bro”
The mentions are still coming, hard and fast. To many, I am a hero, a true nigga. To most, I am devil incarnate and have literally ruined their lives. To those, I want to say this to you: I’m sorry. Really. You were an easy target, and I took full advantage of that. But you’re going to laugh at this in a couple of years, and you will be less gullible for it. Trust me. I’m Justin Bieber.