Important Questions Raised By Miley Cyrus' New Video, "We Can't Stop"

This is not an opinion piece. We only have questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS. Maybe you can help us answer some of them.

Making fun of Miley Cyrus is low-hanging fruit. Completely justified fruit, but low-hanging nonetheless. Because I'm occasionally clever (but mostly just mean), friends and coworkers have been sending me Miles' new video, "We Can't Stop," with an eager "What do you think of this???" all day. But other than being akin to scrolling through your Tumblr dashboard while waiting for the semi-suicidal PCP comedown to subside, this video is so goddamn brain-busting that I cannot even begin to piece together an opinion on it. I only have questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS. Maybe you can help me answer some of them.

WHICH CARRIED A HIGHER PRICETAG: THIS THREE-SECOND PRODUCT PLACEMENT OR THE ENTIRE MUSIC VIDEO?

THIS WAS THE MOST ARTFUL WAY YOU COULD INCORPORATE THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

And how much of Miley's stylist's job is monitoring camel toe? (Great job, by the way.)

DOES DAMIEN HIRST NEED TO BORROW MONEY? I CAN SPOT HIM IF HE PROMISES TO PAY ME BACK.

IS THIS "EDGY?"

AM I HAVING A STROKE?