Meet the Royal Baby!

Kate Middleton and Prince William’s child addresses the hysteric public for the first time

1. Hello, commoners. Royal baby here. Time to set a few things straight!

I fully expected my impending arrival to be a celebration. I did not, however, think you would work yourselves into a bloody, hyper-manic frenzy over my exit from the Duchess’s uterus.

2. You realize you don’t know me, right?

Mummy and Father have to do this whole down-to-earth song and dance to appease you people (and continue taxing you), but you know nothing of royal life. I give a kick at this.

3. Yet amidst a global recession, you gambling degenerates are placing your bets on me?

As if you know any anything about my glorious genetic makeup, when I’ll be born, my gender, my name, my hair color…

4. I’m fascinating, sure, but it’s not like Kate’s womb is some magical, glittery nightclub.

Despite my special status, I’ve been gestating in essentially the same confined space where all us babes hang out for nine-ish months. Seriously, even my Mum doesn’t have a golden cervix.

5. Which makes your frightening obsession all that more preposterous.

I realize I am, perhaps, the most exciting thing to happen in Great Britain in many a decade, but the fact that people choose to watch the hospital door you think my parents might enter? Absolute bollocks.

6. And why do you know who the Duchess’s gynecologists are?

Like, are the “elite” commoners (LOL at that oxymoron) wanting to become patients so they can have pap smears like a princess? Deliver like a duchess? I assure you, Dr. Marcus Setchell an Dr. Alan Farthing have no time for plebeian privates.

7. I guess there are just a lot of arseholes working in media.

Mum isn’t craving curry. She’s not packing a go-bag full of diamonds. She’s appalled that a creature called a “Snooki” would try and impart any wisdom onto her, and even further astonished that any credible organization would report this as news.

8. Also non-newsworthy? The bloody royal fake-outs!

These people in no way resemble Kate and Will. Do they really think they do? Don’t answer that, actually. It’s best I enjoy these last days of truly regal naivety before I’m breathing the same air as common folk.

9. I would like to go ahead and get a meeting set up with Beyoncé and Jay Z.

While I’m uncertain as to their official titles, they seem to be likeminded royals the Windsor family can relate to. When I’m ready to play with others, I’ve heard that Blue Ivy is a pretty cool kid.

10. But ultimately, I will arrive when I damn well feel like it! (Yes, Mum, I’m already cursing.)

That’s just how it works. No one—not even the Duchess—has as much of a say as I do. (Did I mention I want to be born a Leo?)

11. Get ready to bow down!

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