What Your Facebook Post Should Have Said

Facebook is a lying little hoe.

2. Facebook, meet Reality…

3. Reality: Woke up in my own vomit. Can’t find my keys. Or my dignity. Pretty sure I have chlamydia.

4. Reality: Literally just met. Future holds nothing.

5. Reality: After having a twenty minute tantrum because there were no chocolate chips and dropping her effing chocolate cone in my Kate Spade bag, my devil child finally passed out. Legit the days I wish I used a condom.

6. Reality: Shift manager at McDonalds.

7. Reality: Had a huge fight with my boyfriend and we broke up because he is a selfish prick who calls me fat and makes me cry. Then he bought me flowers cuz he was sorry. Which I threw out. After instagramming them, obvs.

8. Reality: Just stalked Tarrantino on set and caught 20 seconds of shaky iPhone footage of Al Pacino leaving his trailer. Flipped me the bird. Probably should have stayed in Wichita.

9. Reality: Spoiler alert, Sammy… she totally slept with your boyfriend.

10. Reality: Just went to the gym for the first time ever. Followed it with a pint of Ben n’ Jerry’s. No intention of being in a vertical position for at least 3 days.

11. Reality: Has no plans tonight. Never had a boyfriend.

12. Reality: 21 years old. Has entire life ahead of him, God help us all. And Heidi Klum IS hot.

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