10. Marry Beyoncé.
And look at Beyoncé. Just look at her.
9. Hang out with this many awesome kids.
Even his kid friends are cooler than you. They live really, really hard knock lives, and they still get to sing in front of Bentleys.
8. Trick millions of people into buying his “last album.”
Only Brett Favre lied this much about his retirement. Jigga man has 99 problems, but apparently retiring is not one of them.
7. Name his daughter Blue Ivy
In 2007, he very clearly told me and the rest of the world that if he had a daughter he was going to call her Brooklyn Carter. At 0:37 this crowd knows what’s up. You lied, HOV. Again.
6. Sing a song with a former member of N Sync and not lose any street cred.
Pharell tried. I miss you, Pharell.
5. Rent a hospital ward.
Or buy it. Or whatever he did.
4. Own 20% of everything in Brooklyn.
Which brings me to my next point…
3. Take something from New Jersey and make it successful.
Jay-Z is the Emilio Estevez of our generation. Look at him. Standing in the middle of that crowd just throwing up the flying V.
Which brings me to my NEXT point…
2. Make hipsters like basketball.
Apparently so much so that they feel the need to post thoughtful selfies to express their love. And here I thought basketball was too mainstream.
1. Kick it with his homies. When his homies are these people.
Thank you, HOVA. For being you.
- Dylann Roof has been formally charged with nine counts of murder for the Charleston church shooting last month.
- Britain marks 10 years since 52 people were killed in terrorist attacks in London.
- Authorities reportedly raided the Indiana home of Jared Fogle, the face of many Subway sandwich advertisements.