Seven Things That Should Make You Listen To Queen

Ah, Americans. You saw Queen in drag once in '84, and it frightened you, but here are ten reasons that this band is far too cool for any of us, even to this day. It will change your life.

1. Fads Were For Chumps, darling.

Less may be more, sometimes, but there's nothing wrong with more being more... And, up until the massive mistake of 'Hot Space', one could get vaudeville, proto-thrash, prog guitar solos, and songs about falling in love with your car...all on one album. 'Do we care about fashion? I'm too fabulous to bother answering that, dear.'

2. It takes pure genius to be this popular. And they were smart.

One of the only bands that had every member have degrees. (Freddie Mercury, Design; Brian May, Phd. in Astrophysics; Roger Taylor, Biology/Dentistry; John Deacon, Electronics) When the drummer can get better grades than you ever will (even when drunk, sleeping with groupies, and pulling donuts on the lawn in his Alfa Romeo--sometimes all at the same time), you are in the presence of greatness, my friends.

3. Sexual Ambiguity That Wasn't A Publicity Stunt

Sure, Freddie didn't hide his preferences (there is a well-known tale of Fred's constant parade of lovely boys in sailor suits backstage), but even though the rest of the band was straight--and married--the early albums made one question everything about a band that could rock that hard in frilly shirts. Bowie could have been envious, and it certainly helped Roger, the drummer, who left his wife for a hooker...and then left that hooker for another hooker that had the greatest candy bar advert as a model, ever. Even the Astrophysicist managed a soap opera actress on the side, and wrote about meeting women in dungeons.

4. Did We Mention That They Wrote Some Very Heavy Music?

Sure, there was 'Bohemian Rhapsody', but the first three albums, Queen, Queen II, and Sheer Heart Attack, were polar opposites of 'opera'. Give 'Brighton Rock' (which only exists for a truly epic solo--written while Brian was in hospital for surgery!) or 'Ogre Battle' (with a backward solo that has to be heard to be believed) a listen, and call them 'light'. For that matter, 'Dead On Time' from The Game or 'Liar' (with a bass solo from hell) from Queen may make you have an urge to punch holes in walls.

5. Brian--flippin'--May.

Not only did he play some of the greatest solos you've never heard ('It's Late' from News Of The World--otherwise known as the album with 'We Will Rock You' on it--ostensibly only exists for the THREE solos in it), but he wrote some of the darkest, 'WTF'-inducing lyrics in rock music. ''39' was about time travel, and death. 'Stormtroopers in Stilettoes' was about S&M, as was 'Now I'm Here'. He also wrote 'Fat Bottomed Girls', 'Tie Your Mother Down', and just about every Queen song involving violence and destruction...which is weird for a hippie, but the man is a genius obsessed with badgers, so why ask why? Even Clapton called him one of the greatest guitarists to ever play, and are you going to argue with Clapton? And don't argue about the 'fro.

6. They Invented More Than You Think

Yes, it's debatable, but Brian did invent delay for solo guitar, Fred invented being a real 'frontman' (and everyone's been copying since; see Axl Rose, et. al.), and 'Stone Cold Crazy' was, arguably, the first 'thrash' song ever, written way before Fred was even in Queen. Roger invented assembly-line groupie service backstage while Brian did his ten-minute guitar solo.

7. The live shows were unbelievable.

No, not just Wembley '86. Look up their shows from the seventies to see what a rock show should be-- 'Blind them and deafen them in the first five minutes, and then you can do what you like, dear', was Freddie's motto, and the Hammersmith Odeon '75 show or the Live At The Rainbow '74 show are well worth the look for people who only think of the keyboard-heavy '80's nonsense. Give them a try, and give Queen another try: Live Aid was great, but not the end.