1. The Pole Hogger:
The train is packed and we can barely breathe, but it’s absolutely vital this person leans on the pole. Meanwhile, the rest of us try to balance our way to work. Jerk.
2. The Napper:
This type of commuter is super tired, drunk, or just plain inconsiderate. Either way, it’s a douche bag move. Can’t you just pretend you’re on an airplane and sleep in one seat?
This also counts. Can’t hold the handrails.
3. The Karaoke Singer:
If I wanted to hear live music, I’d buy a concert ticket. Pop in your headphones and resist the urge to sing along (for everyone’s sake).
4. The Squeezer:
You are bound to see this commuter at least one in five subway rides. Everyone is squished beyond any level of comfort, but this guy just HAS to push himself onto the train. UGH.
5. The Stair Master:
This is one I will never understand. If there’s a crowd trying to exit the station, go sit in a seat or lean on a pillar. If you choose to continue blocking the stairway and I step or trip on you, don’t be surprised.
6. The Biker:
Cool bike, bro. You know what would be even cooler? If you actually used that piece of transportation.
Also, the basket guy is annoying.
7. The Gym Rat:
How creative and cost effective. I love the smell of your sweat, by the way.
8. The One That Won’t Move to the Middle of the Train:
We could all fit if you’d just take a few steps towards the center. It really doesn’t require much effort to shuffle your feet.
9. The Inconsiderate Prick:
This woman is pregnant. GET YOUR ASS UP AND GIVE HER YOUR SEAT.
10. The Cougher:
OK, we all get sick once in a while, but if you absolutely have to cough or sneeze on the subway, COVER YOUR MOUTH. Or better yet, stay home. We don’t need your germs.
11. The Hand Slider:
Sometimes when holding the pole, our hands tend to slide down and touch someone else. It happens. But when you don’t move your hand back up…unforgivable.
12. The Subway Surfer:
If you can subway surf and balance yourself, good for you. But if you can’t and then fall over everyone else because you couldn’t put your hand on the pole, you’re an asshole.
13. The Door Opener:
Oh, this is my favorite. There’s always someone trying to pry the door open, and the worst part about it is when that beeping alarm sounds until the doors are completely closed. This would be less irritable if it only occurred once, but no, those doors just keep sliding until the jerks finally get inside.
14. The Impatient Riders:
This is by far the worst. A very general concept is often ignored and it pisses everyone off. When a train pulls up to the station, LET PEOPLE EXIT BEFORE YOU START ENTERING THE SUBWAY. We could make this process a lot more seamless if you’d just wait five seconds. Calm your tits, guys.
15. The Beggars:
1. I can barely pay my own rent.
2. I rarely ever have cash on me.
3. My headphones are so loud I don’t even know what you’re saying.
16. The Crazies:
True story: There is a woman on the UES, usually on the 6 train, that coughs and spits on EVERYONE. This includes children. The minute she enters the train, people scatter to the opposite side of the car. There’s also the occasional person that yells at you for no reason. It’s a scary world, stay safe people.