Ten Secret Things That Will Happen When You Turn 30

You may think that turning 30 is the end. But it's not! It's the beginning of the end.

1. A Magical Waffle Will Fall From The Sky And Tell You Your Future

It is unclear whether or not this comes from God or because of global warming, but listen to the waffle because it is right 90 percent of the time. Blueberries not included.

2. You Will Grow A Third Breast

i.huffpost.com

Jasmine Tridevil's photo was not faked. She woke up on her 30th birthday, and shazam!

If you happen to be a man, you will grow THREE breasts.

If you happen to be transgendered you can grow whatever you want so don't be a hater snap snap snap.

3. You Will Receive A Letter From The Government Telling You It's Time To Have Children

Photo by Noel Hendrickson/Digital Vision/Thinkstock / Via slate.com

Are you out of your damn mind? Do NOT listen to the government. Never have children. Just LOOK at these miserable white people in their underwear. They don't even have art on the walls!

4. When The Motherfuckin' Beat Drops, You Will No Longer Be Able To Hear It

Instead, you will be forced by law to listen to Jason Mraz.

5. The Whole World Will Magically Know When You're Fapping To Old Makeout Scenes From iCarly

You will, however, keep doing it.

6. In A Birthday Surprise, You Will Be Shrunken Down Very Tiny And Forced To Live Inside A Rusted-Out Old Lawnmower

On the plus side, it is rent-controlled.

7. Liam Hemsworth Will Give You A Banjo That Will Allow You To Travel Back In Time If You Learn How To Play It

But seriously, are you really going to learn how to play the banjo? I think not.

8. You Will Have A Love Affair With An Old Canadian Man Named Bryan Adams

Look, we all had to do it, it's a rite of passage. It could have been worse, it could have been Rod Stewart or Bob Seger. Actually, look at that photo, Bryan Adams is still kind of hot.

9. You Will Find Potable Water In Deep Interstellar Space Or All Of Humanity Will Die

10. An Amazing Dream Job Will Appear And It Will Give You Financial Security Forever

Hah hah kidding you will die soon.